Chapter 9#

In the summer of ‘99, the reservoir Yan Wei and the others often visited had been renovated beyond recognition. The latest project to reinforce the gate embedded parts was halted halfway due to funding issues. After the chemical plant upstream relocated, the water gradually became clear.

People often sat on the dam fishing, dozing off while they fished. Flowing past the sluice gate entangled with water weeds and further east for over forty kilometers, one could see the sea. Yan Wei often rode Yu Lin to the seaside, picked up a bag full of shells, and then rode back.

Quite a few people in school already knew they had become best buddies. Yu Lin had made a bad friend, and Yan Wei was sparing no effort to lead him astray. Yan Wei would go play arcade games right after school. He liked using Chin Gentsai; he was indispensable in every round. His combos were smooth, CD heavy strikes and AB evasive rolls were pressed with loud clicks, and one coin could last a long time.

He always pushed Yu Lin, saying, “You play a round too, play a round.” The roadside bookstore would occasionally stock some pirated manga, like Kung Fu Boy or Slam Dunk. Yan Wei would buy them upon seeing them, flip through them first, and then let Yu Lin read them.

Yu Lin said, “I have things to do when I go back.”

Yan Wei said, “Then read during class.”

Seeing Yu Lin still silent, he turned around and tore off all the covers of his manga, then glued textbook covers onto them one by one, placing them on Yu Lin’s desk. “Read during class.” Yan Wei liked to cup his chin in his hands and watch Yu Lin smile. The textbooks in his drawer revealed bare title pages.

The ceiling fan overhead spun listlessly, creaking and groaning, stirring up the rising chalk dust. Half a small canine tooth showed. Before lunch time arrived, his stomach would get hungry first, so every day, a bar of chocolate was prepared in Yu Lin’s pocket.

It’s been too long, and the brand is forgotten. Only remember it was a bit bitter and stuck to the teeth; every time, he had to secretly lick his teeth for half a class to get them clean.

That was also the year Yan Wei and Yu Lin learned to quarrel. Yan Wei had no filter, while Yu Lin took everything to heart. Even if they were as close as honey and oil, and everything sounded pleasant, petty quarrels were unavoidable.

Yan Wei’s mouth was usually foul when cursing people, and his news was first-rate. If anyone provoked him, he could start criticizing from their ancestors, cursing logically and convincingly. But in front of Yu Lin, he was very considerate of feelings.

Those who liked to eavesdrop could always hear the two of them pretending not to be angry at all, mocking each other vigorously.

One said, “Yu Lin, you are really interesting.”

The other said, “I’m not as interesting as you.”

“No, you are more interesting than me.”

“You are really interesting.”

“You are too interesting.”

Yu Lin never learned how to quarrel. Occasionally, when he said harsh words, he had to hold them back for a long time. The longer he held back, the more cutting they were.

The worst quarrel they had, the two separated their joined desks by a crack. Yu Lin endured for three classes, then very viciously told Yan Wei the ending of Doraemon: Nobita is an autistic child, and all the stories of Doraemon are actually Nobita’s imagination.

Yan Wei was stunned for a few seconds, then said, “Damn, you forced my tears out.” That counted as a quarrel. Anything harsher, Yu Lin couldn’t bear to say.

After wiping his face clean, Yan Wei sat quietly for a long time.

Allan drove the car out of the narrow alley without a word. A chance glance revealed unexpectedly that Yan Wei was looking at him. He forced a smile, took out a cigarette, lit one for himself, and offered one to Yan Wei. “Have one.” Seeing Yan Wei didn’t reach out to take it, Allan held the cigarette with his thumb and index finger, repeating the gesture. “What’s wrong?” Yan Wei whispered, “He doesn’t let me smoke this.”

Allan hit a snag and felt even more bored, stuffing the cigarette back into the pack.

Yan Wei was somewhat dazed and in no mood to pay attention to him.

After racing, driving slowly like this could make one exhausted. People are always like this: sometimes wishing to go faster, sometimes wishing to go slower. Pushed and pulled by others’ hands all the way, forced to curl up when wanting to stretch, unable to sweat when hot. All sorts of dissatisfactions, before complaining enough, suddenly hair turns white.

Allan turned the steering wheel boredly and asked him, “Want me to drop you off?” Yan Wei said, “Just find a bus stop.”

Allan shrugged and began to accelerate slowly.

Passing a bus stop, the road was a bit congested, and he couldn’t stop. Yan Wei opened the door and jumped down. Allan was startled, seeing the passenger door swinging in the air. While rushing to close the door, he shouted Yan Wei’s name.

Yan Wei walked under the bus stop sign across the street and just waved his hand. Allan shouted at him, “Yan Wei, how about I give you my card!” Yan Wei seemed not to hear.

Allan’s speed was too slow, and the horns of protest behind him rang incessantly. He had to speed up, driven forward by the vehicles behind. People are always like this, remembering the flawed separation while forgetting the farewell where both host and guest enjoyed themselves.

Allan watched Yan Wei’s figure getting smaller and smaller, and shouted again unwillingly, “Yan Wei!” Yan Wei had already boarded the bus. He asked the driver, “To Soie?” Hearing the driver’s affirmative response, he found a seat.

The two vehicles went in opposite directions and eventually drove far apart.

Yu Lin searched every place he could think of. On such a starless and moonless night, flowers and trees were all hidden in the shadows of the buildings. His breathing was rapid and heavy, his clothes soaked with sweat. He searched for a good half of the night before numbly turning the car around.

The Soie parking lot was empty. Yu Lin turned off the headlights, took out the medicine bottle from his pocket, poured out two pills, and stuffed them into his mouth. Only when the dull pain in his chest eased did he get out of the car and return to the office.

He hadn’t been sleeping on the desk for long when he heard the sound of the door opening and woke up with a start. Yan Wei pulled the key from the door and looked at him quietly. Yu Lin was stunned for a moment, reached out to turn on the desk lamp switch. When the light came on, Yan Wei was still standing there.

“Where did you go?” Yu Lin stood up abruptly.

“Went to play.” Yan Wei gently kicked the chair blocking the door aside with his foot.

Yu Lin’s hands were trembling slightly until he clenched them into fists, then they stopped shaking so much.

From the place the desk lamp couldn’t illuminate came Yan Wei’s thin breathing sound: “I saw your car in the parking lot, so I came up to have a look.” It was his first time in Yu Lin’s office. By the dim light, he walked around. “Let’s talk about something else. Yu Lin, were you asleep just now? I haven’t had a good sleep… " Yu Lin didn’t speak, so Yan Wei chatted about everything under the sun: “Isn’t it strange, always dreaming.” He tapped the glass of the bookcase lightly with his finger. “Especially the month you took the train back, I kept dreaming I didn’t have a car accident… I even dreamed you were cooking porridge in the kitchen, and I was peeling garlic on the side, just like it was real.” “You guys just now…” Yu Lin’s voice was low, squeezed out from between his teeth.

Yan Wei suddenly turned on the main light, and the room became as bright as day. Yu Lin’s eyes couldn’t see anything clearly for that instant, and immediately after, he discovered the bruise on Yan Wei’s neck.

Yan Wei laughed softly: “Blockhead, do you know, in the past, I dreamed that one day you would be ruined and plummet.” Yu Lin’s eyes were full of anxiety and anger that he forgot to hide, like two clusters of flames, but not because of Yan Wei’s words.

Yan Wei looked at his reflection on the bookcase glass and said with a smile: “I dreamed you were penniless and wandering the streets. At that time, my love would be valuable. If you went to prison, I would bring you food; if you had no money, I would earn it; if you were sick, I would serve you medicine. I always thought that at that time you would know, I am different from others.” Yan Wei said these few sentences strangely and tragically. He spoke from the bottom of his heart, frankly and nakedly, burning everything, disdaining to hide. Yan Wei whispered: “Don’t be afraid, I only liked to think like this in the past. I know it’s over.” He turned up his collar, wanting to cover the marks on his neck.

Yu Lin suddenly reached out, pressed hard on the back of his head, forcing him to lower his head.

Almost at the same time, a sharp pain came from Yan Wei’s neck. The place where the mark was originally left was bitten fiercely by Yu Lin, almost tearing the flesh off.

Yan Wei struggled for a moment, but withdrew his strength when his hand pressed on Yu Lin’s shoulder. Yu Lin’s hair kept brushing lightly against Yan Wei’s ears and face, but Yan Wei’s hair was fiercely grabbed in Yu Lin’s hand. Yan Wei couldn’t bear to push, so he bled.

At this moment, he finally heard Yu Lin’s heart beating right next to his, two hearts thumping together.

When Yu Lin let go, they were only a finger’s width apart. Their breath sprayed on each other’s faces, and they could even see the slight trembling of eyelashes clearly and guess the temperature of lips.

Yu Lin turned his face slightly, as if looking for the best angle, but delayed coming down. As if bewitched, Yan Wei wanted to close his eyes. Just as his eyelids were about to close, both of them sobered up.

Yan Wei took half a step back, reached out and wiped his neck. Seeing it was really bleeding, he made a vague, perfunctory remark: “I feel bad when I think of the past.” The wrinkles between Yu Lin’s brows were deep, always furrowed.

Yan Wei put his hand back in his pocket. When he walked to the door, he heard Yu Lin say: “I feel bad too.” Yan Wei laughed for a while before asking: “Can we really not go back?”

Seeing Yu Lin silent, he used some force when slamming the door.

Even after the door was closed, some echoes could still be heard in the empty corridor. Yan Wei roared outside the door: “Bastard, if I wait a few more years, I really won’t wait anymore!” Cui Dong propped his chin and yawned. “Eat, I heated it in the microwave.” He moved the plastic lunch box closer.

Yan Xi sat half-up on the hospital bed, his face pale. He shook his head, but Cui Dong still opened the lunch box.

Yan Xi took the chopsticks, staring blankly at the steaming food. After a while, he shook his head again, “Cui Dong, I really don’t want to eat.” “Alright, I’ll leave it here. Eat when you want to.” Cui Dong said, pulling the quilt up to Yan Xi’s chest, “You’ve waited all night, sleep for a while.” Cui Dong left the intensive care unit. Just as he closed the door, he saw a young nurse poking her head out of the office in front, “Dr. Cui, bed twenty-three has a low fever.” Cui Dong responded and trotted over.

Yan Xi was left alone in the night just before dawn. He lay on the bed, attempting to use wakefulness to resist the invasion of dreams. Malicious nightmares were trembling; they could lead memory to the past events one was least willing to recall.

He shivered until he woke up on the bed, cold as iron.

When Yu Lin entered the hospital carrying hot porridge, Cui Dong had just finished prescribing medicine and came out.

Cui Dong saw him at a glance but didn’t walk over. Instead, he stood far away, his voice carrying a smile: “Yu Lin, back?” Yu Lin moved his eyes in Cui Dong’s direction.

Cui Dong asked with a smile: “Yan Xi waited for you all night, where did you go?”

Yu Lin waited a long time before saying: “Something came up.”

Cui Dong looked at him and adjusted his glasses, “I only understand now what you meant back then.” Yu Lin responded vaguely. “Back when?”

“You forgot…” Cui Dong’s voice was a bit strange, as if lacking spirit. “Asked you who you really liked, you said, if only for one’s own pleasure… shameful.” Yu Lin also remembered; he had said that.

Cui Dong asked with a smile: “Being with Yan Xi, not pleasant?”

Yu Lin lowered his eyes slightly, “I will take good care of him.”

Cui Dong sneered: “You are delaying him, you are harming him.”

Occasionally, a few patients in the corridor saw their tense posture and hid far away.

Cui Dong pointed at Yu Lin, “He relies on you like a madman! Seeing you not there is like losing his soul. He waits for you to bring food every day, to feed him with a spoon!” Cui Dong was almost shouting: “He is like a cripple now, a cripple who can’t live without you!” “I will accompany him.”

“Yu Lin, you don’t love him.” Cui Dong said.

“Not true.”

“You don’t love him.” Cui Dong repeated, his tone certain.

“Cui Dong…” Yu Lin tilted his head back, looked at the ceiling, panted for a while, and then said as gently as possible: “You know, if Yan Xi hadn’t dragged me abroad, hadn’t persuaded me to hire a caregiver. What I would have done back then.” Cui Dong couldn’t have forgotten. That was more than a thousand days of suffering. Nurses discovered more than once that as soon as they left, Yu Lin’s hands would be on Yan Wei’s neck. He couldn’t wait to live with him, so he thought about dying with him.

“Yan Xi saved us. I am not just grateful to him.”

“Do you love him?” Cui Dong finally walked a few steps towards him, grabbing Yu Lin’s collar, “Look into my eyes and say it!” Yu Lin closed his eyes, hearing Cui Dong almost begging him: “Look at what Yan Xi has become. Let Yan Xi go, let yourself go.” Yu Lin opened his eyes, pried open Cui Dong’s fingers bit by bit, “If I really let go, what will happen to him?” Yu Lin looked at the suddenly silent Cui Dong, smiled, and pulled his hand off his collar, “Whatever I do is wrong. Only continue to be wrong.” “Bastard words!” Cui Dong cursed in anger.

“Yu Lin.”

Hearing a woman’s voice, both turned their heads. The head nurse stood behind them, not knowing how long she had been listening.

“Like this, all three of you suffer. Have you ever thought about Yan Wei…” Yu Lin subconsciously denied: “Yan Wei? Of course I have. He has money, and will have more.” Respected, high society, luxury cars, using scented business cards. That was another world. He walked ahead, he watched from behind. Knowing the place Yan Wei was going to was better than here, Yu Lin waved his hand.

The head nurse sighed: “This is not for Yan Wei’s good.”

Cui Dong gritted his teeth: “He should think about how to be good for Yan Xi.”

Yu Lin took several deep breaths in succession, appearing unusually restless. Many chaotic thoughts had been buried for too long; once sprouted in the mud, they could weave an overwhelming net.

He subconsciously touched that scar; a place in his abdominal cavity would be empty forever. Part of Yan Wei’s organs was given by him. They were together, he was with him; this was the only bond that wouldn’t be detected.

Yan Wei couldn’t shake it off. Every moment, a lifetime, living together, dying together, rotting in one grave. Knowing what he ate for every meal, whether he slept, where he went, he watched it all.

As long as he didn’t tell him, he wouldn’t discover it. Even if separated by distance, even if the name Yu Lin was forgotten.

If he didn’t think like this, he wouldn’t have been able to endure it long ago.

The head nurse looked at Cui Dong and Yu Lin, rubbed her brow center, “Yu Lin, in our department, we always like to tell others the story of Jin Shengtan. Have you heard of it? That man was disheartened. On the execution ground, wanting to die earlier, he swapped places with the death row prisoner in front. Who knew that as soon as the blade fell, the Emperor’s pardon arrived.

“Yu Lin,” the head nurse sighed, “You kid, don’t be in a hurry to sentence yourself to death.” Yan Xi had no appetite. After a few days of nutrient injections, he quickly lost weight.

He sat in a daze, not wearing his hearing aid. Yu Lin urged him to eat, not knowing if he heard or not. Yu Lin scooped a spoonful and brought it to his mouth, “Eat something to have strength.” Yan Xi opened his mouth after a long time and ate less than half a box. This was already a pleasant surprise.

Yu Lin helped him lie down before leaving the ward. He was in a hurry to return to Soie for a decision-making meeting, but when he reached the company entrance, he realized he forgot a document, so he had to return in a hurry.

The two people in the ward probably never thought Yu Lin would come back at that time. Yan Xi’s crying was faint: “Cui Dong, I can’t stand it.” He always dreamed he was busy washing a car. Intense water streams burst out of the hose; they were strong and powerful, quickly breaking free from Yan Xi’s hands, twisting wildly on the concrete floor without any pattern, turning everything around into a muddy mess.

Yan Xi cried very hard, his voice hoarse: “I haven’t had a good sleep in nine years. He is already the rightful heir; this retribution should be enough!” He choked with sobs, wiping his face indiscriminately, “Cui Dong, I’m scared. I only want Yu Lin, nothing else.” Cui Dong’s voice came from inside the door: “It’s okay, no one else knows.” Yan Xi seemed to grasp some hope, saying tremblingly: “I was ignorant back then. I didn’t think that much. As soon as I heard my dad had another son, I was confused for a moment. I didn’t really want to hit him to death.” Cui Dong said: “Isn’t he fine now? It’s okay, don’t cry.” Yu Lin stood outside the door, only feeling a deathly silence around him. For a moment, he was chilled to the bone. Just like that, he took a step back in a daze and bumped right into a stainless steel medical cart.

The cart overturned with a crash, its contents scattering all over the floor.

When Cui Dong came out to check, he saw Yu Lin sitting on the floor, bandages and gauze all over the ground, the pungent smell of alcohol and iodine all around.

Yu Lin looked at Cui Dong, trying to force a smile, but his whole body was icy cold. “So, that’s what happened back then.” Yan Xi heard the noise inside and sat up from the bed. “Cui Dong, who is outside?” Cui Dong’s face didn’t look good either. Blocking the entrance, he repeatedly persuaded him: “Yu Lin, don’t be anxious, let’s talk properly.” Yu Lin stood up supporting himself against the wall and took a few steps back, “Don’t block me, or I’m afraid I won’t be able to control myself.” During their dispute, Yan Xi also followed out. He was terribly thin, standing blankly at the door. Seeing Yu Lin about to leave, he started sobbing: “Yu Lin, don’t go.” He was trembling slightly, stepping forward to pull Yu Lin. “Yu Lin…”

Yu Lin took a few more steps back. Memories suddenly came alive, flowing upstream ceaselessly. In a trance, he remembered that day was very hot, with noisy cicadas chirping in his ears.

Yan Wei said: “Blockhead, I’m thirsty.”

Yu Lin pretended not to hear. “Say something nice.”

Yan Wei muttered: “What nice words haven’t I said.”

He leaned into Yu Lin’s ear and whispered something softly. Yu Lin’s eyes were instantly full of smiles.

Yu Lin said: “Wait for me a moment.” He ran to the small shop and bought a popsicle. At that time, the ground was full of coin-sized light spots, golden and bright.

That popsicle started to melt not long after. Milky white syrup dripped all over his hand. Yu Lin held the popsicle and walked through the shade of trees, the air sweet.

Joy turning to extreme sorrow was just an instant.

When he went back, the intersection was already full of people. The light was piercing, making it hard to open eyes.

He squeezed into the very center, picked Yan Wei up, trembling, holding him carefully.

Only when sent to the hospital did he realize he should cry, and tears instantly streamed down his face.

The promised happiness, in the blink of an eye, was destroyed just like that.

Yan Xi tugged at Yu Lin’s sleeve and shook it a few times, “Yu Lin, scold me! I know I was wrong!” His face was pale, “I don’t want to separate.” Yu Lin’s eyes reddened too. He broke free from Yan Xi with force and ran downstairs quickly. He got into the car but didn’t know where to drive. At first, it was a straight main road, then the main road was followed by an intersection, and after the turn, another turn.

He sat in the car, his hands shaking constantly. While driving, he brought his most violently shaking right hand to his mouth, almost biting a piece of flesh off his thumb.

The gas pedal was floored; he was still trying to accelerate.

The car window was left open a fist’s width, the windshield trembling in the fierce wind. A pale face was reflected in the rearview mirror. As if foreseeing a string was about to snap, Yu Lin freed a hand to feel for the medicine bottle in his pocket.

His hand shook terribly; it took a long time to take it out. He unscrewed the cap bit by bit with his thumb, poured it, but it was empty. Unwilling to give up, he poured twice more, realizing it was really empty.

Hearing the sound of the medicine bottle falling to the ground, Yu Lin’s mind went blank. In the blankness, a person’s name exploded loudly, the nasal cavity filled with the spicy taste of these two words.

He seemed to be in a quagmire, surrounded by thick, pitch-black liquid. Only a little light faintly penetrated in the darkness. A bolt of lightning lifted the darkness forcefully, hiding warm and soft things inside.

Yan Wei, he silently recited in his heart. Water gradually appeared in his eyes, unable to be held back. The corners of his mouth turned up, but tears fell down.

He heard Yan Wei’s voice: “I dreamed you were cooking porridge in the kitchen, and I was peeling garlic on the side, just like it was real. Can we really not go back?” A car suddenly darted out from the turn ahead, the horn sounding unusually piercing. Yu Lin was startled, unable to even distinguish whether he stepped on the brake or the gas in that instant. The airbag popped out, squeezing him against the seat. His forehead was cut by glass fragments, bleeding continuously.

If nine years ago, there hadn’t been that car accident, he and Yan Wei now… what would they be like?