Chapter 3 - 2#

Yan Xi kept his head down the whole way. It was only when they were almost at the airport entrance that he asked, “Will you get back together with him?” His head was slightly tilted up, his voice hoarse. “Yu Lin, I’m scared.” Yu Lin drove silently. After a long time, his eyes dimmed a little. “It’s all in the past. Don’t be afraid.” Yan Xi’s hands were trembling violently. “I’m really scared. It’s a good thing he woke up, but I…” The screeching sound of brakes was like a knife stabbing into one’s heart, cutting a long gash.

Yu Lin parked the car, grabbed the suitcase, and walked quickly to the other side.

Yan Xi pushed the door open and jumped out of the car himself. He tugged at Yu Lin’s cuff and, after a long time, squeezed out a sentence: “Yu Lin, I’m different from him. I’m only leaving for a few days.” “I know.”

Their hands were equally cold. Yu Lin pulled the luggage with one hand and led Yan Xi towards the departure hall with the other. Yan Xi suddenly asked him, “If I did something wrong…” The man stopped, turned around, and looked at him quietly. “Would you…” Yan Xi’s palms were covered in cold sweat, and he didn’t continue.

The evening wind was pleasant, and a drizzle of fine rain fell on the small balcony. When Yu Lin came back, it was already very late. The plants only revealed a touch of green in the darkness, stretching along the veins of the leaves. Yan Wei was squatting behind the leaves, having broken a clothes hanger, and was poking the old cat with the exposed wire.

Yu Lin paused, took off his suit jacket, and draped it over his right arm. “What are you doing?” Yan Wei looked up. “I want it to do its business here.”

The crystal soil, trampled into a mess, contained the cat’s brownish-yellow feces. One look at it made one’s hair stand on end.

Yu Lin had already kicked off his shoes and said, “There’s kitty litter upstairs.”

“This makes good fertilizer.”

Yu Lin turned on the living room lights and forced a smile at him. “Come in and watch TV.” Yan Wei still wanted to get close to the cat, but Fugui turned around and bit him hard. He looked at the teeth marks, dazed for a moment, then hid that hand behind his back and walked in slowly. He sat on the sofa, and Yu Lin took a pair of cotton slippers and placed them in front of Yan Wei.

“This… do I need to change?”

Yu Lin considered for a moment. “It’ll be more comfortable if you change.”

Yan Wei stepped on his right foot with his left, slowly taking off his loafers.

Yu Lin found the remote control on a sofa cushion and placed it in his palm. “Do you know how to use it? I’m going to heat up the food. You pick a program you like…” Yu Lin stood up and had just taken a few steps when a huge sound from a TV program suddenly erupted behind him, a rumbling noise that made his eardrums hurt.

Yu Lin looked back. Yan Wei was holding the remote control, sunk deep into the sofa, his face illuminated in colorful hues by the constantly changing colors on the TV. He couldn’t help but whisper instructions: “Turn the volume… down a little.” Yu Lin didn’t know how to express it more clearly. Yan Wei responded and looked down to find the button.

The dishes in the refrigerator were wrapped in layers of plastic wrap. Yu Lin put the cold dishes in the microwave to heat them up, then took them out and poured two glasses of fresh milk.

An iron lamp with a twining branch pattern hung over the dining table. On the candle holder at the end of the long table, there were still a few unburned scented candles, covered in a thick layer of wax tears.

Holding the fresh milk, Yu Lin asked, “Where do you want to sit for dinner? At the table, or eat while watching TV?” Hearing the voice, Yan Wei turned off the TV somewhat neurotically, let out an “Ah,” and after a while, let out another “Ah,” asking in a low voice, “Not going back to the hospital today?” “Yeah, it’s fine. There’s a spare room.” Yu Lin placed the glass on the coffee table, turned the TV back on for Yan Wei, hesitated for a moment, and then said, “I’ve already gone through the discharge procedures. You could have been discharged a long time ago. Rehabilitation can be done at home. Walking around the garden downstairs, strolling around, is… about the same as staying in the hospital.” Yan Wei nodded, unsure if he had heard clearly. Fugui came in from the balcony and slowly climbed the stairs to the second floor.

Yu Lin watched him cautiously hold the cup filled with fresh milk, take a small sip, then another small sip. The food remained untouched.

The two of them sat like this, each with their own thoughts, for more than half an hour. Yu Lin finally stood up and chuckled lightly. “I’ll take you to see your room.” That room was on the second floor, with pale white walls, a combination desk and wooden bed. A small telephone hung on the wall by the bed, and the bookshelf was empty, save for a few empty glasses filled with crystal soil.

Yu Lin squatted on the floor and pulled out a few rolls of wallpaper from under the bed, asking in a low voice, “The wallpaper was never put up. I don’t know what color you like. There’s beige, damask… small floral…” Yan Wei responded a few times, suddenly feeling suffocated, and quickly said, “Don’t bother. Go rest.” Yu Lin squatted for a while, patted his knees, and stood up. “It’s okay. The bathroom is over here.” He stood at the door and pointed in a direction. Yan Wei’s gaze wavered for a long time before landing on his face.

Yu Lin would walk a few steps and then look back to see if Yan Wei had followed. In the second-floor bathroom, there was a half-length mirror, a rectangular rug on the floor, and further in was a small cubicle, fan-shaped with two glass doors, inside of which was the showerhead. Yu Lin tirelessly taught him how to turn on the hot water and the cold water, saying, “When you shower, close the glass doors.” He took a new bath towel and unused underwear from the closet in the hallway.

Whatever he said, Yan Wei agreed to, but he didn’t engage in conversation. Finally, he grinned and said, “It’s fine. I didn’t sweat today. Why shower?” Yu Lin frowned.

Yan Wei was a shrewd monkey. You couldn’t tell where his shrewdness lay when he was learning something, but he knew better than anyone when someone was happy or unhappy.

He looked at Yu Lin, opened his mouth, forced a smile, and still took the clothes, laughing softly. “Better wash up clean. Can’t dirty your bed.” Yu Lin took a breath, stared at the incandescent light on the bathroom ceiling for a long time, then recovered, half-pushed Yan Wei into the bathroom, and closed the door. He stood blankly in the hallway for a while. It was a long time before he heard the sound of rushing water from inside.

He walked away for a moment, got a small dustpan, and shoveled up the cat feces and the soiled crystal soil from the balcony. He wanted to throw it away, but after hesitating for a while, he dug a hole under the bougainvillea bushes and buried it as fertilizer.

When Yu Lin returned to the second floor, he found water had spilled onto the solid wood floor of the hallway. Fugui was licking it with his tail up.

“Yan Wei, Yan Wei?”

Yu Lin knocked on the door. Yan Wei gave a vague response from inside, and the rushing sound stopped quickly. Before he had even dried himself, he put on the set of clothes he had been wearing.

Yu Lin glanced inside and found the bathroom in even greater disarray. The long rug for stepping on was soaked through. He thought for a moment before asking, “Didn’t I teach you? Why didn’t you close the glass doors?” “Closed, it’s stuffy.” Yan Wei was still scratching his back, where water droplets kept rolling down, making it itchy.

The soap originally used for cleaning the countertop had changed position; presumably, that person had used it as bath soap.

Yu Lin waited for a while but ultimately didn’t say anything. After Yan Wei went into the room, he went to find a mop, mopped up the water, took the rug to the balcony, and spread it out flat.

He put away the food, turned off the TV, and stuffed the dishes into the small dishwasher.

Yu Lin returned to the bedroom, lay down, slowly pulled the tie from his neck, and threw it under the bed. His eyes looked at the European-style chandelier on the ceiling. A double bed, lying alone, always felt suffocating. He remembered something, turned over and sat up, found a set of unworn pajamas in the closet, draped them over his arm, and went to knock on Yan Wei’s door.

Yan Wei wasn’t asleep yet. He was sitting hunched over on the edge of the bed, the lights off. Seeing him, he stood up again.

Yu Lin gave him the pajamas. Seeing Yan Wei not taking them, he explained, “For sleeping. It’ll be more comfortable. New, never worn.” Seeing Yan Wei standing there blankly, he draped the robe over himself and demonstrated how to tie the belt. Only then did Yan Wei take it. Yan Wei was a bit dazed and reticent; whatever others said, he did.

After a good while, realizing Yu Lin was still standing at the door, Yan Wei smiled. “Go to sleep.” Yu Lin seemed to just come back to his senses, turned to leave, and suddenly heard Yan Wei’s voice. “Not coming?” Yu Lin frowned, seemingly not understanding. “Coming for what?”

Yan Wei smiled, a bit wickedly. “I’ll help you relieve the fire.”

The light in the hallway was still on. The orange light crossed the half-open door, stinging the eyes of the person in the room. Yan Wei tilted his face up halfway, a ruffian’s smile on his face.

Yan Wei sat there, smiling and saying, “What’s wrong? You’re not willing?” He was already very tired, his eyelids puffy, his muscles soft like dough, his skin rough and loose. Unlike Yan Xi. Yan Xi was younger, more beautiful, and looked more like Yan Wei when he was young than Yan Wei did.

Yan Wei waited for a while, his eyes dimming, and let out a “Ha.”

Yu Lin stood there and said nothing.

Yan Wei’s back arched like a shrimp, burying his head in his arms. “In the past, you wanted it so bad…” Yu Lin said softly, “Yan Wei.”

“Clinging all day, clinging all day. You couldn’t do it at your place, so you tried to find a way to go to mine. In the end, there was even blood…” Yu Lin shook him, but Yan Wei still trembled uncontrollably, his teeth chattering.

He reached out and grabbed Yu Lin’s shirt, using some force. Yu Lin bent down, and Yan Wei’s dry, pale lips pressed against his.

Yu Lin was caught off guard. Just as he felt the rough texture of the peeling dead skin on the lips, it was like being scalded. He pushed him away forcefully. He didn’t control his strength well; it was a bit too much.

Yan Wei lay on his back looking at him. Yu Lin’s hands were also trembling. He quickly pulled the wrinkled clothes from Yan Wei’s hands and strode away.

The glaze of the vase on the decorative cabinet in the hallway was warm and moist, flowing like water. It was filled with plastic flowers sprinkled with gold powder, a full bunch, half-covering the retro-styled pendulum. The anxiety and pain of unfulfilled desire and the boredom and ennui after obtaining it constitute the two poles of human nature. The pendulum of life forever swings heavily between anxiety and boredom.

Fugui was curled up in a corner of the hallway. There were small tufts of cat hair everywhere on the thick, soft carpet. Yu Lin shooed and patted it a few times with his hand, but seeing no reaction, he let it be.

Every time people think back to what happened the previous day, they always find they can’t remember it completely. There are hours where they even forget what they did themselves. Sifting through their brains, they only recall a few sentences, some emotions.

After Yu Lin woke up, he changed clothes and washed up, poured a glass of fresh milk in the kitchen, and placed it on a plate with a fried egg.

Fugui was at his feet, lapping up the milk in the food bowl with a pattering sound.

The difference between humans and animals lies in the fact that humans often don’t do what they want to do most. They know how to make others happy, but they insist on making others unhappy.

The old cat looked up and glanced sideways, then slowly ambled out. Yan Wei stood barefoot at the kitchen entrance. Seeing the cat, he kicked it neither lightly nor heavily, cursing, “Ungrateful guy.” Yu Lin looked back at him and handed him breakfast. Yan Wei didn’t take it, his neck thickening as he said, “I want to eat soy milk and soup dumplings.” Yu Lin didn’t withdraw his hand, looking at him quietly. Yan Wei was in a stalemate with him for a while, but eventually took it fiercely, walked to the sofa, sat down heavily, grabbed the slice of bread, took a few bites, and hummed with a frown, “What a weird taste. Even in the hospital, you could order food.” Yu Lin replied indifferently, “The doctor said soy milk isn’t as good as fresh milk. Don’t be eccentric all day long.” Yan Wei laughed loudly, rubbing his nose constantly with his hand, as if trying to rub off a layer of skin. Yan Wei felt like a sour apricot. Meeting Yu Lin, this juicer, he could only drip his sour and bitter bile all over the floor. “I’m eccentric, I’m eccentric…” He repeated it several times, crossing his right leg over his left and swinging it incessantly. The anger in his belly was running wild, with nowhere to vent, making him feel uncomfortable. He wanted to say something harsh, but felt his internal organs were soft, soft as mud. “I’ve always been like this. Look if you want, don’t if you don’t.” Yu Lin’s eyelids drooped halfway, pointing at the leftovers he had eaten. Seeing no reaction from Yan Wei, he cleared the tableware and went straight to the study.

Yan Wei stood for a good while before following him. His shallow reflection on the glass of the bookcase was like a thief, his eyes nakedly revealing timidity and unease.

Just as Yu Lin turned sideways, Yan Wei immediately pretended to be energetic again. “This is a computer, right? It’s become so thin. what system is it now? Let me see, are there games?” Yu Lin took off the gold-rimmed glasses that were only about 0.5 diopters, put them aside, pinched the bridge of his nose which was a bit sore, saved a file, and signaled for him to figure it out himself.

Yan Wei leaned over, moving the mouse, shouting, “Why is there no wire behind the mouse’s butt? Interesting.” He was almost pressing on Yu Lin. He didn’t touch him, but there seemed to be heat and weight, heavily knocking against the heart, beating with difficulty and soreness.

Yu Lin looked at the two hair whorls on the back of Yan Wei’s head, reached out to touch them, but withdrew his hand before making contact.

“Then I’ll sit in your chair?”

Yu Lin agreed, stood by and watched Yan Wei play Minesweeper for a while, then sat on the fabric sofa to the side and started reading the newspaper.

Yan Wei talked a lot, almost rambling. “Back then, we only had computer class once a week, playing Kingsoft Typing Game.” Yu Lin chimed in, “I remember, Super Mario and stuff.”

Yan Wei suddenly turned his head to stare at him. “Do people still play that now?”

Yu Lin was stunned for a moment. “There are better ones that came out later.”

Yan Wei had a look of disinterest on his face. “I really thought it could be popular forever.” After saying that, he went limp against the back of the chair, his eyes slightly closed, listless.

Yu Lin folded the newspaper that was blocking his view in half, looked at him in silence for a while, and asked, “Popular forever, do you believe that?” Yu Lin’s eyes were black and shiny. When he was thinking, the color of his pupils was deep enough to suck people in. Yan Wei suddenly looked up and saw such a pair of good eyes.

Yu Lin asked a question. Forever is something Yan Wei couldn’t be sure about. Surprisingly, he couldn’t be sure about it either.

Something not too big but not too small happened the next day. When Yu Lin went out, he left some money on the shoe cabinet, next to the takeout menu. The intention was for that guy to order some food if he got hungry. But as soon as the door closed, Yan Wei pocketed the money, put on his slippers, and ran out.

Yan Wei liked to toss about. The children who grew up there were all like wild dogs. You could drive thirty miles away and dump them, and the next day they could find their way back. Every household raised children by letting them roam free. At dawn, they were let out to the alley entrance, gathering in groups of three or five to spin tops and play hopscotch. At dark, save a mouthful of rice for them; they wouldn’t get lost. Unlike now, where each one is treated like an ancestor.

Yan Wei shuffled in his slippers, passing through the villa area, and took a golf cart down the mountain. Following the road signs, he found the bus stop, patted a kind-looking person casually, and asked, “Buddy, is there an arcade or something nearby? Which bus should I take?” When the bus came, watching everyone line up to get on, Yan Wei clicked his tongue a few times and followed suit, lining up honestly. The coin box had the price marked. He counted a few fewer coins and stuffed them in; no one bothered him.

Yan Wei took advantage of the situation, his face glowing red, and happily found an empty seat to sit down. Front, back, left, and right, everyone had a small colorful metal box hanging around their neck, like they were carrying quick-acting heart relief pills.

Around him were women wearing only a few pieces of cloth, old people wearing brown thin jackets and white undershirts, and some with restless hands and feet. Yan Wei looked at everyone with the mindset of visiting a zoo to see animals, a smile on the corner of his mouth.

The arcade he went to was built inside a supermarket. Seeing people exchanging money for game tokens, he followed suit. There were also slot machines in the arcade, lined up in a corner, with only a few people sitting there.

Where there were many people, there were all external joysticks. Some were playing racing games, some were playing House of the Dead, holding guns and shooting bang-bang-bang as zombies kept rushing out of the subway cars. towards the back, there were three dance machines and a drumming machine, with most of the drumsticks broken.

He watched from the side for a while, pulled up a stool, and sat down in front of a coin pusher. In the past, few arcades were willing to have this. If they weren’t careful, someone would kick it hard, and a kick could bring down a pile of money.

Yan Wei stared at the glass cover, two large boxes of tokens on his knees. He held a token in each hand, inserting money into both coin slots simultaneously. He used a skillful force. After five or six times, a dozen tokens clattered out from below.

He spent two hours like this, with people occasionally stopping behind him to watch him play.

He didn’t understand much in the past, but at this moment, he really felt that life was like a coin pusher. Once you’re born, a life of being pushed begins. The coins closest to the abyss fall, and new coins drop down. A pile of coins slowly moves forward. There are always a few that go particularly fast, hastily ending their short lives, and a few that get stuck in the corners, out of touch with the main group.

Although the coins in the same row are slightly ahead or behind, they are generally considered a whole. This is the so-called same generation.

Although one can blend into the group in front, one just can’t figure out: apart from speed, how much difference can there be between this generation and that generation? Or is it like a carousel? If you don’t ride a horse, when time starts moving, no matter how fast you run, you’re always a few steps behind?

Yan Wei stretched, stood up, and the people behind him dispersed.

There was a shooting game opposite. Yan Wei wandered over, watched others play for a while, and also learned to put a few coins into the machine. He pulled out the heavy simulation gun, shot, reloaded, shot again, and reloaded. When the bullets ran out, he shook it, and the magazine was full again.

After satisfying his craving, Yan Wei took the bus back the way he came. When he arrived, he didn’t wait for the sightseeing car. He only saw a row of bicycles parked by the road. He walked around them and found a few with old-fashioned locks on the rear wheels. He pretended to tie his shoelaces, squatted down, smashed one open with a brick, and rode it towards the mountainside.

Entering the sanatorium, there was a big downhill slope. The ginkgo trees on both sides were tall and straight, their leaves rustling down.

Yan Wei was sweating all over, riding happily. Seeing the downhill slope, he let go of his hands and feet, closed his eyes, and rushed down, the wind whistling in his ears.

The car horn in front sounded at a very bad time. Yan Wei opened his eyes and cursed, turning hard to the side. The arc wasn’t enough. Fortunately, someone pulled him hard from the side. The two of them fell to the ground, and the car brushed past their shoes. Looking closely, it was Yu Lin.

That person’s palms were full of sweat, his hands hooping him like iron bands, trembling slightly.

He held him too tight, almost making it impossible to breathe.

illuminated by the bright car lights, Yan Wei realized that before death, one’s past doesn’t necessarily replay vividly before one’s eyes. Like him, his mind was blank, unable to think of anything, just feeling a heart full of bitterness.

Running around like this for a lifetime, being blown wherever the wind blows. No matter how much effort you put in, it’s all in vain. The more you toss about, the more you busy yourself blindly. A breath was stuck in his chest, wishing he could cry out loud.

Yan Wei was held in Yu Lin’s arms. It took a long time for his breath to slow down, and he quietly pressed his forehead against the hollow of Yu Lin’s shoulder.

Yu Lin was sweating all over. After a while, he tried to push Yan Wei away, but Yan Wei clung to him, limp and unmoving.

Yu Lin got a little angry. “Where have you been all day? Get up and speak!” Yan Wei was pushed back, his head tilting back, almost dizzy. He propped himself up from the ground. Yu Lin followed him up. His iron-gray suit was dirty, with fine bits of grass sticking to it. That clean smell on Yu Lin’s body, from that hug just now, poured into his nose, stinging his eyes. “I went outside, to the arcade. Lots of new things I haven’t seen.” “How old are you!” Yu Lin almost roared. He was a bit hysterical; he had never lost his composure like this in the past. It wasn’t until pedestrians passed by that he came back to his senses, grabbed Yan Wei’s wrist, and half-dragged, half-pulled him back.

Yan Wei accommodated him, a smile still lingering at the corner of his mouth, cheeky, only occasionally saying, “You’re hurting me.” Once inside the house, Yu Lin gradually quieted down. The two looked at each other, only Yu Lin’s panting audible.

Seeing that smile, Yu Lin was stunned for a moment, then let go and straightened his clothes.

Yan Wei entered the house with his shoes on, found a tissue on the coffee table, and looked at him grinning. “Here, look at all the sweat on your head, wipe it.” Yu Lin’s face became even gloomier. It took a long time before he said, “No need.” Yan Wei looked at him and smiled. “You can’t bear to part with me.”

Hearing Yu Lin’s cold snort, the corners of his mouth turned up even higher.

“Do you remember that car accident?” He said, glancing sideways at Yu Lin’s expression. That person was staring at him with burning eyes, seemingly also a bit scared in retrospect.

Yan Wei smiled while touching his short stubble. Memories were a bit blurry, but people still couldn’t let go.

“I clearly walked on the crosswalk that day. I was following the rules. It was that car that chased me and hit me. My hands were full of blood, and I kept thinking about Yu Lin. I couldn’t bear to leave Yu Lin.” When he said the last few words, his voice was soft and blurry.

Yan Wei took a few steps towards Yu Lin, looking at his face seriously. His eyes were black and white, like the first ray of light rushing into view after two wooden door panels had their latch removed and were pushed open.

Yan Wei said softly, “I know you haven’t forgotten me, and I didn’t die. We, we…” That voice was like plucking a zither string; pluck it once, and the string would tremble three times, starting to shake from the tip of the heart. Yu Lin stood stiffly there, closed his eyes forcefully, and then opened them. The curtains hung thick and heavy, layer upon layer. The European-style chandelier didn’t look like it would light up; it was just a heavy decoration hanging high above people’s heads, and one had to watch out for it falling.

Seeing Yu Lin not speaking for a long time, the smile Yan Wei feigned for composure finally couldn’t be sustained. Actually, who can be sure? Where is there a scale to measure sincerity, and who can guarantee it won’t be short-weighted in the passage of time?

Yu Lin stood quietly for a while.

“Yan Wei…” He seemed not to know how to continue. He sighed first, then slowly squeezed out the remaining words, “You are three years too late.”