Chapter 8#

[OP] Just Registered A Random Account Posting Time: 2017-01-25 21:32:06

The next morning when we woke up, we had to take a plane back to China. Pei Hao talked to me as if nothing had happened yesterday, packed my luggage for me, and helped me to breakfast. It was the last buffet breakfast for the six of us at the hotel. After getting the cast, I was like a disabled person. Pei Hao seemed to think that not only was my leg lame, but my hands were also broken. After getting food for me, he even wanted to feed me bite by bite.

When my mom just passed away, he also fed me like this. At that time, I felt he was a warm ray of light in my broken life, which would one day illuminate the remote and dim corners of my heart and dispel the loneliness that had been rooted in my flesh and blood for years.

Unexpectedly, things changed. After going around in a big circle, I returned to the starting point, discovering that warmth is given by oneself. Only by being one’s own light can one stand eternally.

Of course, I won’t be moved by his tempting little tricks anymore. Whether sincere or fake, it doesn’t mean much to me now.

I pushed away the food he handed over with my hand and said: “Don’t feed me, I have hands.”

“Then eat this bite,” Pei Hao said as he stuffed another mouthful of food into my mouth. After stuffing, he peeled a boiled egg and put it in my bowl, saying, “Remember to eat this egg later too, it’s nutritious.”

D’s girlfriend exclaimed to D repeatedly: “Quickly learn from him. Look, they have been together for five years and are still so loving. This is true love!”

I really couldn’t respond to this, so I could only smile awkwardly and say nothing. I guess only God knows how many couples look loving on the surface, but in reality, their feelings have long rusted and corroded completely in secret.

“Can they be together for five years if they are not loving?” D followed his girlfriend’s words and also peeled a boiled egg for his girlfriend like Pei Hao.

“Ahem, do we single dogs only deserve to eat dog food?” Brother Egg turned to look at Fu Yan, pretending to be deeply affectionate, and said: “Come, Yan Yan, I will also peel an egg for you. No, let’s peel two, make them sick with sweetness.”

Everyone laughed hearing this.

The 6-day trip ended quickly. There was happiness as planned, and also sudden embarrassment. Sweet, sour, bitter, and spicy, all were there. Probably this is what life originally looks like.

The plane landed, and everyone went home. If every journey could end in a comedy like this, that would be great.

Pei Hao called a taxi to take me home. We arrived home at 5 pm. After a long journey, everyone was tired. I said let’s order takeout. He said no, today he would cook for me personally. After speaking, he went to the market with great interest.

Pei Hao rarely cooks. He only knows those few dishes back and forth. He was banging around in the kitchen. I sat in the living room watching boring TV, feeling a bit emotional. If it were a month ago, or even a week ago, and he was so busy for me, I would probably be so happy that my dreams at night would be sweet. But now, I just want to finish eating early and find a quiet place to sleep.

That day he cooked five or six dishes. Some were my favorites, and some he said were good for bone recovery. While putting food in my bowl, he talked about many things: this trip, our university basketball team, his work. In the past, I was the one who liked to ramble on, and he listened on the side. Today the roles were swapped. I was just thinking at the time, so it wasn’t that he wasn’t used to talking much before, he just didn’t want to talk.

After eating, Pei Hao cleaned up and sat on the sofa hugging me. He rested his head on my shoulder and asked softly: “Xiaoxi, are you still angry with me?”

“Not angry.” Anger is an emotion expecting a response. I have already given up, so there is no anger to speak of.

Hearing my words, Pei Hao’s tone carried a bit of grievance: “Then you have been very cold to me these past few days.”

I turned to look at him and said: “You try being enthusiastic dragging a leg that hurts as soon as you walk after a fracture and a cast.”

Pei Hao looked a bit guilty: “I regret taking you to XX Island. I regretted it as soon as I saw you in so much pain when you got ashore. It’s my fault.”

Your fault is not taking me to XX Island. I can’t explain where your fault lies either. Maybe it’s choosing to save Fu Yan instead of me, maybe it’s being with me for five years without liking me, maybe it’s accepting my confession back then, or maybe, from the moment you fell in love with Fu Yan, everything was destined to be wrong.

Getting to the bottom of it, it’s complicated and intertwined. No one can sort out these rights and wrongs.

“What’s the use of saying these things now?” I patted Pei Hao’s shoulder, expressionless, “It’s not like you pushed me down.”

Pei Hao brushed away my bangs and kissed my forehead: “I’ll take the afternoon off tomorrow to take you to the hospital for a check-up.”

I quickly shook my head: “The cast is already on, what else is there to check? Let’s go on the weekend.”

Pei Hao nodded: “Hmm, that works too. I’ll make bone soup for you tomorrow to nourish you.”

Pei Hao’s face was only one centimeter away from mine. Although his face looked cold and indifferent at first glance, with temples like knife cuts and lips like carved fingers, his eyes were very spirited, dark and deep, like a black hole that could suck people in. Back then, I was probably attracted by these eyes nine times out of ten.

Looking at the face close at hand, I suddenly said unconsciously: “Pei Hao, close your eyes.”

“What for?” Although Pei Hao didn’t know what I wanted to do, he still closed his eyes.

I mumbled: “Do you know where I wanted to kiss you the most when I first saw you?”

Pei Hao’s eyelashes were not very long, but when they moved, they were like butterfly wings, trembling, really alluring. I leaned forward slightly and gently touched the corner of Pei Hao’s eye with my lips, saying: “Here.”

Pei Hao didn’t expect it. His eyes moved first, then he opened his eyes and smiled at me, revealing white teeth, clean and bright, just like when I first saw him five years ago.

“First time seeing someone who likes to kiss eyes,” Pei Hao reached out and rubbed my hair, his expression refreshing like a spring breeze, “But if you like it, kiss it every day from now on.”

I shrugged and didn’t reply to him. I said I wanted to sleep and expressed that I wanted to sleep in the guest room. When we rented the apartment, to avoid his family finding out we slept in the same bed when they visited, we rented a two-bedroom apartment. Pei Hao was very happy that night. He didn’t argue with me about where to sleep. He covered me with the quilt and went out.

“Good night, Xiaoxi. See you tomorrow.” Pei Hao leaned against the door and reached out to turn off the light in my room.

“Good night.” I hid under the quilt, my voice very small. I thought we wouldn’t see each other again tomorrow.

[1st Floor] You Are Little Melon Skin: Ah, Xiaoxi actually took the initiative to kiss scumbag A??!!

[2nd Floor] A Big Painter: Maybe it’s the last kiss… Person above, don’t get excited (｀_€€)€€.

[3rd Floor] Tracy0212: Pei Hao actually talked to Xiaoxi with a face of grievance. What does he have to be aggrieved about?

…………

[9th Floor] Is It A Big Model: Can tell that OP really likes the scumbag. From deciding to break up to later, he has been so calm and restrained. I believe besides really giving up, he also doesn’t want to tear his face with Pei (scum) Hao (bag) at the end, letting the few remaining beautiful things of this relationship be taken away.

[10th Floor] Xiao Qi_: I only care about when the abuse of the scumbag starts…

[OP] Just Registered A Random Account Posting Time: 2017-01-25 22:38:14

Actually, I lied to Pei Hao. I never planned to go for a follow-up visit with him on the weekend. When I was on the island, I had been thinking about things after returning to China. I found a house for a short stay, made an appointment with a friend in City Y to pick me up and help me move the next day, and sent an email to the company asking for leave and applying for a transfer back to City X. If the company didn’t agree, then I would probably resign.

I didn’t tell him about doing these things. First, because I felt these had nothing to do with him. I had already said the breakup to his face. From now on, everything about me has nothing to do with him. Second, Pei Hao seemed to be deeply into his act recently. My intuition told me that if I told him, I wouldn’t be able to leave so cleanly.

Since his feelings for me are far less than one-tenth of his feelings for Fu Yan, I think my staying or leaving is not very important to him either. At most, it’s just someone who has lived together for five years suddenly leaving, a bit unaccustomed. But after a long time, the busy life will make him get used to the loss before he even has time to pretend to be sentimental.

I am not someone unforgettable to Pei Hao. Just coming lightly and going lightly. Those parting words, fake reluctance, let’s save them all.

The friend who came to help me move is called Dabai (Big White). He is one of my few good friends from university and knows about me and Pei Hao. Dabai is also gay, with a rough love life and rich romantic history. Just during the five years I was with Pei Hao, he had dated seven or eight boyfriends on and off. His stories are exciting enough to publish three to five books.

The next day, Pei Hao went to work early in the morning. Dabai came at 9 am. He was afraid my luggage wouldn’t fit and specially borrowed a big car. Who knew that after casually packing for two hours, all my things were packed. I sat on the bed directing, and Dabai helped me pack. Most things at home were bought by Pei Hao. There was no need to take the kitchenware I bought either. Two suitcases, one for clothes, one for other items. Having lived for more than a year, this was all I could take away in the end.

Something was still cooking in the pot in the kitchen. It seemed to be the bone soup Pei Hao was making for me. It was bubbling, and the curling steam had filled the entire kitchen. At noon, Pei Hao sent a WeChat message: The bone soup is cooking in the kitchen. It’s on a timer and will turn off automatically. Go drink it if you are hungry. Be careful when getting up.

I replied: Okay.

“You made soup for me? It smells so good.” Dabai turned his head and asked me with a grin while packing.

“No, look at me, I even need you to pack my luggage, how can I make soup?”

“Then who made it? Pei Hao made it?”

“Yeah.” I nodded.

Dabai clicked his tongue a few times and said: “You city people really know how to play. Making soup even when breaking up, as a parting gift?”

I blinked at him and didn’t answer.

“Wait, he doesn’t know you are leaving today, right?” There was some surprise in Dabai’s eyes.

I nodded.

Dabai opened his eyes wide and gave me a thumbs up, saying: “Impressed. I don’t submit to anything but I submit to you!”

After a while, he ran over to ask me again: “So are you really breaking up this time? Don’t let me run here to help you move with all my effort, and then you two masters reconcile in a few days. Then I will be in a bad mood and want to hit people.”

My tone was very firm: “Really breaking up. I have even applied to the company for a transfer back to City X.”

“Alright, breaking up is good. Buddy will introduce you to a few good ones in a few days.” Seeing my determined look, Dabai patted my shoulder and continued to pack things.

“These photo albums, taking them?” Dabai took out a few photo albums and asked me. I took them and flipped through a few pages casually. They were photo albums of Pei Hao and me over the past five years, all printed by me. Although this is an electronic age, I still feel that paper memories are extremely precious. So every time I traveled or had activities with him, I would select some worth keeping and print them out.

“Not taking them.” I handed these photo albums to him, “Put them back for me.”

I don’t want the person or this relationship anymore, what’s the use of these photos.

There were also quite a few of my clothes and shoes in the closet, all bought for me by Pei Hao. I didn’t want to take them either, afraid of seeing the object and thinking of the person. After all, I really loved him. Whether he throws them away, burns them, or just forgets them later, let him be.

There was also a DSLR camera and lens in the bedroom. Pei Hao knew I liked taking photos and gave it to me for my birthday the year before last. I had been using this camera all the time. More than half of the photos inside were of Pei Hao. I opened it and looked at a few photos. They were all Pei Hao secretly photographed or openly photographed by me: sleeping Pei Hao, cooking Pei Hao, Pei Hao concentrating on playing games. A total of more than 2000 photos. That camera couldn’t delete all at once (or maybe I didn’t know how to use it). Too many to delete, too lazy to delete, just leave it. I wonder if in some lazy afternoon in the future, or a night of chatting after dinner, he will suddenly discover the photos in this camera, and then sigh to his lover or child that there was once a person who really loved me.

Dabai said I was particularly stupid. What is given to me is mine. Who cares about memories or not? Take all the expensive things and piss him off. Besides, Pei Hao really doesn’t lack this money.

But I really didn’t want to touch them. Everything related to him, I just wanted to pack them up and lock them in a box, put them in a place I can’t see, sealed in memory.

“So just these?” Dabai patted my two suitcases and said, “Quite little.”

“Yeah,” I nodded, pointing to the bone soup cooking in the kitchen and said, “Turn that off and let’s go. If you want to drink, drink a bowl first.”

Dabai shook his head: “Can’t drink. Think about it, you staged such a breakup drama without a sound, didn’t take the things he gave. It was originally quite cool, right? If he comes back and finds you drank his bone soup before leaving, your image in his heart at the end won’t be aloof anymore, understand?”

I lowered my head and said: “I have never been aloof in his heart.”

“True, otherwise how could you suffer so much anger for so many years,” Dabai thought for a while and comforted me: “But being able to start over is good.”

It was already 5 pm when Dabai settled me in the new house. We ordered takeout. While helping me tidy up the new home, he asked me with a suspicious look: “Are you really okay living here alone? What if you fall? How to clean the room? How to eat?”

Actually, I had thought about what he said, but I didn’t have any particularly good solution myself. Just muddle through, it will be fine eventually.

Me: “Are you ‘One Hundred Thousand Whys’? Order takeout for food. I can walk in a while. The doctor said my fracture is not the serious kind, heals fast.”

Dabai: “It’s not that. I’m afraid something will happen to you alone with no one to look after. If your sister finds out then, she will beat me to death.”

Me: “If my sister wants to beat someone, she will beat Pei Hao, not you. Besides, what can happen?”

Dabai: “How about you come to live at my place, or tell your sister to let her pick you up home.”

I quickly shook my head like a rattle drum: “No, absolutely don’t tell my sister I fractured my bone.”

Otherwise, with my sister’s personality, she would definitely immediately ask my brother-in-law to take leave and drive to pick me up to live at her house, asking about my well-being every day, and offering me up like an ancestor. My sister is a doctor, busy and dizzy every day, often working overtime in the emergency room, spending hours on the operating table, and rarely getting a good sleep in a week. I don’t want to trouble her and my brother-in-law anymore.

I also didn’t want to live at Dabai’s place. I don’t know his new boyfriend. Besides, he has his own things to do. I can’t trouble him all the time.

Dabai was somewhat helpless. He knew he couldn’t persuade me, so he sighed and said: “Then there’s no way. I can only come over to see you often.”

When Dabai was helping me organize the temporary room, I sat on the sofa deleting Moments and Weibo posts. I recorded most of the happy moments between Pei Hao and me, from secretly loving him to before I fell into the water on the island this time. There were many intimate photos and words of love that I set to be visible only to myself. I once thought that one day when we were old, I would dig them out one by one to show him, read to him, and tell him about my little thoughts when I was young. I just didn’t expect that those bits and pieces I carefully recorded would be deleted by me one by one at such a casual moment one day, and Pei Hao would never have the chance to see them again.

This is also the reason why I insisted on printing paper photos before. Many things you think are precious will be gone with a press of the delete key on the internet, wiped lightly, leaving no trace.

I deleted more than a thousand posts in total. My hands were trembling a bit at the end. Looking at the basically cleared Moments and Weibo, I felt relieved. I said softly in my heart: Pei Hao, we are finished.

[1st Floor] Ken_Chuang: Watching Xiaoxi delete Moments one by one, I feel the same. That feeling of suddenly clearing all memories with a person, I don’t know whether to say it’s painful or relieving.

[2nd Floor] Xu Mi Xuan: Two years ago, I was also sitting on a chair in McDonald’s, deleting memories with that person one by one. Every deletion felt like a scratch on my heart, a dull pain. I deleted until 1 am. There was almost no one in McDonald’s. A waiter came over with a tissue and asked if I was okay, why I was crying like this. I took the tissue, said thank you, and walked out. It was very cold outside. When the wind blew on my face, I reminded myself over and over again: This person is no longer yours. You have to start your own life.

[3rd Floor] Not Serious Big Stomach King: How is the person above doing now?

[4th Floor] Xu Mi Xuan: Very good now. Can already look at these past events calmly.

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[11th Floor] Dreamme: I am very gratified that Xiaoxi finally moved out (Applause.jpg).

[12th Floor] A Diu’s Shoe Cover: Thinking of Pei Hao going home and looking at the empty house, inexplicably feel very cool!

[13th Floor] Liu Li Ying €€ Ya €€ Fen Xi €€: I think Xiaoxi’s friend is so nice. Xiaoxi’s sister must also spoil you very much!

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[20th Floor] 8Voooo: Don’t know everyone, hope OP and everyone above are happy.

[21st Floor] Fish Loves Meow: Person above is so warm.