Chapter 1#

I don’t know where to start.

I used to have a boyfriend, and I was the one who pursued him. Let’s call him A. The first time I saw A, I was a freshman. On the school basketball court, he was so dazzling, running and jumping, casually making a few three-pointers that caused all the girls in the audience to scream continuously. He happened to look exactly like my type, so that day I went crazy and bought a bottle of mineral water to wait for him on the sidelines. Of course, there were too many girls wanting to hand him water that day, and I couldn’t squeeze in at all.

I didn’t manage to say a single word to him that day, but that didn’t stop him from attracting me. I paid attention to him, and the longer I watched, the more I found him to my taste. Someone like me, who is obsessed with looks, has no principles. For the first time in nearly 20 years of living, I met someone who was my type from head to toe, so I just went for it.

It was my first time chasing someone in my life. I had no experience, didn’t know how to flirt with guys, and didn’t know how to play hard to get. I was particularly silly. I tried my hardest to join the school basketball team to warm the bench (later I switched directly to logistics), signed up for some Japanese crash course he was taking (enough to understand Japanese adult movies), anyway, I tried every possible way to appear in every occasion where he might appear.

I didn’t care what others thought of me. At that age when IQ was questionable, I felt that love was bigger than the sky. If I fancied you, I would chase you. Whether I could catch you was one thing, but you had to know that I liked you.

Later I figured it out. The main reason I could catch him with my ordinary conditions was because of my gender advantage. A is gay. I don’t know if he was born gay or became gay for some “white moonlight” (first love/ideal crush), but anyway, he was as bent as a mosquito coil and couldn’t possibly like girls. So I instantly won over those chirping little girls.

Oh right, I forgot to mention, I am a man. Being this cute, of course I am a man (·(€€)·)

Speaking of which, it’s quite magical. A was inexplicably caught by me, and we accidentally stayed together for five years. Although for these five years it was mostly me giving, I was stupid, I was willing, and I was happily being cheap.

[1st Floor] A Big Painter: So I entered a gay thread

[2nd Floor] Xiao Fan Fan Fan: TL;DR, break up

[3rd Floor] Watch Me Roll My Eyes At You: OP, what are you saying? Who do you want to dump? A?

[OP] Just Registered A Random Account Posting Time: 2017-01-16 13:11:55

Don’t rush, everyone. I just went to have a meal.

Speaking of dating him for five years, actually, it was probably me unilaterally thinking we were dating.

To him, it was just finding a nanny, and one that could endure sleeping with him.

He has a younger brother he grew up with, no blood relation, seems to be a neighbor, let’s call him B.

We are all from the same university.

A treats B especially well. If it rains, he goes to deliver an umbrella. If B is sick, A stands me up with the excuse of taking care of him. Once, A and I bought plane tickets to go to Thailand for the National Day holiday. The day before departure, he said he couldn’t go because B had gastroenteritis. Of course I was angry, but A said B grew up with him, like a biological brother. How could the older brother go out to play when his younger brother is sick?

At that time, I even thought what A said made sense, showing that he was a responsible person. I never thought that A would never pick me up when it rained. When I was sick, A would just buy some medicine and tell me to drink more hot water. (Hehe, drink hot water…)

If you shook my head back then, you would definitely hear the sound of the ocean.

[1st Floor] Watch Me Roll My Eyes At You: OP, your head must be filled with the four oceans and five continents, right? (Smile jpg.)

[2nd Floor] shadowwww: 66666, OP look up, do you see a green light?

[3rd Floor] King of Pesticides, Yao Yao: Such a scumbag, keeping him for Tomb Sweeping Day if not breaking up?

[OP] Just Registered A Random Account Posting Time: 2017-01-16 13:38:10

I realized something was wrong (yes, I still have a tiny bit of brain, 0.1% of a normal person, no more) when it was B’s birthday. That year I was a sophomore, and I had been with A for almost a year. My birthday is in February. A went home for the New Year so we didn’t spend it together. I was the one who called to remind him… I had a vague premonition that he wouldn’t remember. Maybe to avoid awkwardness when we met next time, or maybe for some ridiculous dignity, I stupidly asked him on the phone what gift he had prepared for me…

As you can imagine, what I got was a long silence and awkwardness. I knew he forgot. I was in a bad mood, chatted casually for a few sentences, and hung up. We contacted each other very little during that holiday. I suddenly discovered that as long as I didn’t look for him, he wouldn’t actively contact me either.

When school started, he asked to meet me. I thought he was going to break up with me. Actually, I didn’t love him that much back then. Breaking up would have been fine, and there wouldn’t have been so much entanglement and pain later. A gave me a pair of sneakers, saying it was a makeup birthday gift. I don’t know if he was lucky, but he happened to buy the exact model I wanted. So I spinelessly forgave him. The anger I had held back for the whole holiday vanished in that instant. Actually, thinking back later, even if he had just given me a random trinket from a street stall that day, I would have forgiven him. There’s no helping it, loving someone is just so unreasonable.

Hey, wasn’t I supposed to talk about B’s birthday? I digressed again…

B’s birthday is in April. Sometimes on weekends I would get a room with A, ahem, to do homework, talk about ideals, and incidentally do some other things I don’t want to describe. Once he went to take a shower, and his WeChat kept ringing. The person sending messages was C, one of his good buddies. C asked him, “What would Xiaoxi think if you do this?” There were no other Xiaoxis around him, so Xiaoxi should be me. Since I was mentioned, was it excessive for me to check the chat history (his phone didn’t have a lock password)?

Okay, checking his chat history was wrong of me. Anyway, in these five years, apart from checking his chat history, have I done anything else to wrong him? I can’t recall, probably not…

A was discussing with C how to celebrate B’s birthday. It was like he was pursuing B, carefully thinking of seven or eight plans. One moment he felt this wasn’t good enough for B’s temperament, the next moment he felt that wouldn’t work and B wouldn’t like it. I always thought A was the kind of person who was a bit cold to everyone and didn’t care much about other people’s thoughts.

This is the legendary self-deception, a bit ridiculous. Actually, he was only cold to me and didn’t care about my thoughts. He was still very patient with the person he liked.

Finally, even C got annoyed by A and sent two messages directly:

“What would Xiaoxi think if you do this?”

“If you like B, dump Xiaoxi and chase him. Don’t be wishy-washy.”

How should I describe my feeling at that time? My hand holding the phone was trembling. The word “like” was particularly glaring because it was a bit of a luxury for me. A had never said he liked me, but C easily said it for him, only it was used on someone else. Maybe subconsciously I already knew very well that A didn’t like me much, but that was the first time I directly accepted the fact that he didn’t like me and liked B.

After understanding this, all of A’s previous behaviors could be explained clearly. It was just me being stupid, only realizing it after being together for almost a year. I guess people around him already knew, everyone saw it clearly.

[1st Floor] A Big Painter: WTF, reading this makes me angry. A is trash. OP, how did you stay with him for five years?

[2nd Floor] Avant-garde Cat: One is willing to hit, the other is willing to get hit.

[3rd Floor] B-Yuan: Hello Xiaoxi, I am Yangtze River.

[4th Floor] Believe It Or Not I Will Punch You: Hello Yangtze River, I am Yellow River.

[5th Floor] Meow Maoo: The people above are so bored…

[6th Floor] Ni Song Zui Mei: Heartache for OP. The worst thing done to A in five years together was just peeking at phone chat history.

[7th Floor] Avant-garde Cat: Heartache +1

[OP] Just Registered A Random Account Posting Time: 2017-01-16 14:01:00

How did I stay with him for five years?

Good question. Later B went abroad for exchange, and A treated me better than the first year.

Five years passed quickly, in a muddle, unconsciously, it just passed.

[OP] Just Registered A Random Account Posting Time: 2017-01-16 14:31:21

That day A came out of the shower and saw me sitting dumbfounded by the TV. He asked me what was wrong. I said I saw the chat history between you and C.

A doesn’t like people touching his things. Chat history counts as privacy, so he was definitely unhappy. But I couldn’t be bothered to explain. I was even more unhappy than him.

Sigh, I don’t really want to talk about the next part, it’s a bit embarrassing…

A didn’t say anything. He picked up his phone, looked at it, and replied to C. The key point is that he didn’t intend to explain anything to me either.

I felt more and more aggrieved as I thought about it on the side, thinking about everything I did for him. Getting up in the morning and walking fifteen minutes to the West Gate to buy his favorite breakfast and walking back, even when I didn’t have class I would get up to buy it for him; things he mentioned he wanted to buy, I would note down and find a way to buy for him; once he said he wanted a limited edition pair of sneakers from a certain brand, it was too popular and I couldn’t grab it, so I bought it from a friend at three times the price and ate instant noodles for a month myself.

There are too many such things, some I can’t even remember clearly. I tried my best to be good to him, wanting to make him happy, hoping he could like me even just a little bit more, but he wouldn’t even give a single sentence of explanation.

What hurts the most? Details in life hurt the most.

I was originally prepared to question him, at worst have another fight with him, but before I could speak, I started crying out loud… and the more I cried, the more I couldn’t control myself. In the end, I was crying so hard I was gasping for breath, couldn’t even speak a sentence clearly, let alone fight? (Hehe jpg.)

A was stunned. It was the first time I cried in front of him, crying with tears and snot flowing. While crying, I said intermittently: “If… if you don’t like… me… then… forget it, let’s break up… break up.”

A brought tissues to wipe my tears and snot. After wiping, he hugged me and gently patted my back. It was the first time he was so gentle to me, giving me the illusion that he actually liked me a little bit.

A explained: “B is going abroad for exchange next semester, so I wanted to give him a good birthday.” After saying that, he even kissed me on the forehead and carried me to bed.

Have you ever been hugged, patted on the back, and kissed on the forehead by someone you like? If you have, you can understand why I let this matter pass (OP says quietly with no confidence sitting in front of the computer desk (。_ 。)). I felt at that time that he still had some feelings for me, otherwise he wouldn’t bother to comfort me. Moreover, B was going abroad soon. No matter what A felt for him, they wouldn’t be able to meet often in the future. Even if A only liked me a little bit now, I had time and opportunity. I could treat him better and make him like me more and more.

Facts have proved that there is always an insurmountable gap between ideal and reality. My five years of effort ultimately couldn’t compare to B’s position in his heart. Everything I thought would move him ended up only moving myself. If someone asks me now whether to try to move someone who doesn’t love you, my answer is no, absolutely not. The more you give, the deeper you often get hurt in the end. Someone who doesn’t love you won’t love you in the end. Even if he says he loves you in the end, are you sure that’s love and not being moved? Or, are you sure he loves you as a person and not loving you for being both a father and a mother to him?

Now whenever I look back and think about it, I feel heartache for myself at that time. Stubbornly stupid to the end. Wasting five years is one thing, but the worst part is that this relationship exhausted my feelings and love, exhausted my ability to love others.

[1st Floor] Avant-garde Cat: Pat pat Xiaoxi Xi

[2nd Floor] Believe It Or Not I Will Punch You: Not to lecture you OP, but your heart is so soft… you deserved it…

[3rd Floor] That Flower That Person That Dog: I also once liked someone who didn’t love me. I worked like a horse for a few years, almost took out my heart to make medicine for him. In the end, he cheated and even came to harass me with the mistress. Who hasn’t loved a few scumbags when young? (Sad jpg.)

[4th Floor] Big White Is Confused: Hugs to the person above