Chapter 24#
Try Again#
Ji Landong was silent.
His soft, quiet dark eyes looked at Li Heng.
This gaze was heartbreaking. Li Heng felt as if his chest were being gripped, making it almost impossible
to breathe smoothly. Ji Landong was doing his best; Ji Landong really wanted to be happy.
Ji Landong was even willing to believe this explanation that sounded like something used to fool children.
This was sadder than Ji Landong giving up on being happy.
Ji Landong pondered, believed, and tried. He once had this ability—shedding tears was nothing more than an acting technique. He had always been good at all skills that could be acquired through endless practice.
Ji Landong no longer ignored the pain, allowing the omnipresent ache to consume him.
This body began to tremble uncontrollably.
Ji Landong couldn’t control it.
Unable to control it, he lowered his head, looked at his violently trembling wrists for a while, and apologized: “I’m sorry.”
Li Heng suddenly tightly gripped those old scars that had cut through his pale skin.
Li Heng didn’t want “I’m sorry.”
Ji Landong saw Li Heng shake his head. He was pulled into Li Heng’s arms, held very tightly, with his neck and back being stroked repeatedly.
His body trembled even more violently.
Even more violently, as if something wanted to burst through his chest and lungs, break his spine, and tear through the paper-thin pale skin on his back. The places Li Heng touched emerged from numbness into sharp pain.
Like a person who had trudged through wind and snow until numb, suddenly bleeding, all wounds splitting open.
The howling wind blowing through his body could be heard.
Ji Landong tilted his head back, the color on his face swept away by the invisible wind, silently falling onto Li Heng’s hand. He lost consciousness like this for a short period, then the thick white mist in front of him gradually dispersed, and he slowly saw Li Heng’s face clearly.
Li Heng held him, his force careful to the extreme, his chest heaving violently, his lips pressed tightly.
Ji Landong guessed they had just kissed.
He tried to move any of his hands, but he was powerless. The result was only a faint shiver of his fingers.
Fortunately, Chief Li was a genius at grasping intentions and immediately brought him into his arms, encircling him with his shoulders and arms, tightly clutching this hand.
Ji Landong gripped Li Heng’s hand and thought for a moment: “It doesn’t hurt much.”
Ji Landong was worried that his state was slack and his skills were rusty, and he couldn’t cry: “Thank you.”
He saw Li Heng shake his head.
Li Heng didn’t want “thank you” either.
Ji Landong covered Li Heng’s violently trembling back of the hand, gently squeezing it twice to comfort Li Heng not to worry. Li Heng had to wait a little; he could only do one thing at a time now.
Ji Landong decided that after accomplishing this, the next thing would be to try to find something else he could give Li Heng besides “I’m sorry” and “thank you.”
He would accomplish it.
Ji Landong slowly leaned forward, like an extremely quiet animal, wandering in search of a temporary habitat, and finally tried to bury himself in Li Heng’s shoulder.
He waited like this for a long, long time, so long that he guessed he had successfully done it.
Chief Li might already have had to change his clothes, which were made a mess by tears.
Or not wear clothes.
Ji Landong seemed to remember such a sentence. It wasn’t clear; he was in the mist at the time, far from the shore, and vaguely remembered laughing at Chief Li’s calculating plan that knew no politeness.
Ji Landong laughed softly.
Then he was surprised, a bit dazed, and touched the fabric in front of him with disbelief.
This piece of clothing was actually still dry.
He asked Li Heng: “Did it not succeed?”
Li Heng couldn’t control his groundless partiality for Film Emperor Ji: “Shedding tears is very difficult.”
Ji Landong shook his head, unable to believe it. He even rubbed his eyes. Such an action made Li Heng’s heart soften to the extreme, and he could no longer resist.
He could only return the “I’m sorry” to Ji Landong and then carefully hold the person before his eyes.
Li Heng kissed him with the lightest force.
Ji Landong’s body was indeed a bit better; at least his breath was no longer so icy, and some warm breath was scattered between his collarbones.
Li Heng gently stroked Ji Landong’s hair, using his fingers to smooth the parts that had been mussed by Pudding the puppy’s frolicking.
He didn’t try to continue the “winter-limited” kiss—for something like this that required investment from both sides, Ji Landong would always, driven by a sense of responsibility, try to force himself to do his best to complete it.
But kissing shouldn’t be that kind of thing.
Happiness shouldn’t be either.
Shedding tears shouldn’t be either.
But now was not the time to discuss these things. Now Li Heng kissed Ji Landong’s eyes.
Ji Landong didn’t refuse, closing his eyes, leaning slightly back in his arms with his chin raised. His exceptionally fine bone structure naturally gave this action a sense of haughtiness. Many people thought so, even if Ji Landong’s original intention didn’t include that.
Ji Landong had a very good temper.
Ji Landong held the edge of his sleeve, not using much force, his long, cold, white fingers slightly curled.
Ji Landong’s eyelashes were very thick, trembling from being kissed as if they could stir up air currents. Beneath his thin eyelids, his eyes rolled slightly… Li Heng’s mind uncontrollably brought up Ji Landong’s eyes.
That kind of overly dark, dust-free, pure cold silence.
Li Heng’s breathing was a bit heavy.
He kissed Ji Landong’s handsome, pale brows and eyelashes, kissed his forehead, and followed the bridge of his nose downward. He stayed motionless against Ji Landong’s icy corner of the mouth for a while. When it was slightly warmer, he continued to kiss his jaw and earlobe.
Li Heng kissed the tiny mole in Ji Landong’s neck that was very hard to notice.
Ji Landong’s silent chest trembled, and his eyelashes lifted noiselessly.
Another series of kisses, as gentle as spring rain, had already fallen.
Li Heng kissed his fingers. This was the place Ji Landong could least understand. His hand seemed detached from his body; his pale fingers seemed to have their own thoughts, quickly curling up, and his knuckles and other thinner skin turned a light red.
Li Heng reached out, cupping his hair, and gently stroked it: “Does it still hurt?”
The dark eyes looked at him in silence.
Li Heng coughed lightly.
He knew he was making a mess. Ji Landong was seriously practicing shedding tears, not to mention Li Heng coming to disturb him, but he had even somehow kissed away those pains.
…But Ji Landong’s complexion indeed looked much better.
Just now, during the ten or so minutes Ji Landong lost consciousness, intense fear and suffocation almost swallowed Li Heng.
It’s easy to go from frugality to luxury, but hard to go from luxury to frugality. Now that he had an awake Ji Landong, he could no longer bear these eyes becoming diffused, hollow, and unfocused. He couldn’t bear any possibility of Ji Landong returning to that bone-chilling icy water.
Li Heng made a hugging gesture, looking at him inquiringly. When Ji Landong closed his eyes, he gently stroked his hair and picked him up with lessened force.
Li Heng shielded Ji Landong entirely, very carefully.
He took Ji Landong to the bath area.
A wooden house in the freezing cold couldn’t be without a bathroom and a sauna.
Natural sulfur hot spring water flowed through pipes, filled with pure, scalding steam. The entire bath area was made of fine, smooth teak, dark gold with hidden black lines, and the colorful oil reflections had a special fragrance.
There was a skylight overhead. This was a hot spring where you could see the aurora, but now was not the season for the aurora to appear.
So they looked at the stars.
For about ten minutes, no one spoke.
They just leaned together, quietly looking at the stars, watching the changing reflections of water on the roof.
Ji Landong was between Li Heng’s arms and chest.
Their cabin was very quiet.
Very quiet.
There was only a bit of wind blowing against the window, a bit of snow falling from tree branches, a bit of fire burning, and a bit of the gurgling sound of sour jujube seed soup being decocted in the kitchen next door.
A bit of water flowing through the pipes, a bit of the loud clattering of the gas valve exhausting, and a bit of the faint high-frequency hum emitted when the current lit the lamp.
A bit of the happy snoring of the mushroom and the puppy sleeping comfortably in each other’s arms.
Li Heng: “…”
Chief Li finally recognized the problem: “Is the soundproofing of my house this poor?”
And he had spent a whole day researching the cause of Ji Landong’s insomnia. Ji Landong woke up too early, and he worried it was Ji Landong’s long-standing illness—Ji Landong indeed had a severe sleep disorder. He also worried Ji Landong wasn’t adapting to the environment, wasn’t used to the temperature and humidity, or was uncomfortable.
…The only thing he hadn’t considered was the soundproofing.
Is it this poor??
Ji Landong wasn’t unable to laugh under any circumstances.
For example, when Chief Li was frustrated, Ji Landong would fulfill his role as a villain, laughing unceremoniously until he couldn’t sit steadily, his palm slipping as he fell into the water.
Li Heng didn’t catch his hand. This water had minerals and was too slippery: “Ji Landong!”
Ji Landong didn’t respond.
The water’s surface rippled, mirroring the reflections of stars and lights.
Li Heng dived into the water. The hot spring pool wasn’t deep, but because the minerals made it hard to see clearly, he quickly judged the possible direction to search, while already considering more than three ways to quickly drain the hot spring water.
A hand covered his shoulder.
Li Heng suddenly rose and turned around. Ji Landong was behind him. Good, he hadn’t fainted, drowned, or committed suicide.
Because the water provided buoyancy, Ji Landong could even stand slightly by holding the handrail on the side. The steaming heat made his complexion less poor and his eyes very clear.
Ji Landong looked at him, opened his mouth, and said something.
Li Heng didn’t hear clearly.
He didn’t hear clearly; he almost clumsily fell into the water, tightly hugging Ji Landong, his violent heartbeat almost bursting through his chest.
Li Heng closed his eyes forcefully, his arms unable to control their trembling, his throat completely hoarse: “Ji Landong…”
Ji Landong wanted to say something more. He looked at him quietly for a while, raised his arms, gently stroked the tensed back, and asked softly: “Shall we kiss?”
Li Heng shook his head.
Ji Landong was stuck by this reaction.
He didn’t want “I’m sorry,” didn’t want “thank you,” and didn’t want a kiss.
But Li Heng seemed not to want him to give anything at all.
Li Heng didn’t mention the kiss at all, quickly tidying up that out-of-control emotion, supporting Ji Landong’s ribs so Ji Landong could save his strength. This time he gripped Ji Landong’s hand firmly, leading Ji Landong slowly back to the shallower edge with extreme patience, step by step.
Li Heng lay down in the water with him, letting Ji Landong rest his head on his shoulder. Li Heng stroked Ji Landong’s brows and eyelashes, which were soaked with water; they looked darker.
Li Heng looked at Ji Landong for a long time.
Li Heng looked at him seriously—this degree of serious expression made Ji Landong seem like some extremely valuable and intricate case file.
“It’s my fault,” Li Heng said. “Ji Landong, I have something to admit to you.”
What Li Heng wanted to apologize for was that when Ji Landong told him about that young child star who hadn’t been saved, he hadn’t truly been able to empathize.
To be honest, at that time, Li Heng only felt a slowly growing annoyance—annoyance at everything Ji Landong encountered later, annoyance that the parricidal boy he would rather risk the very serious charge of “dereliction of duty” to let go had been so wantonly tortured and destroyed by those damn scoundrels in the following twelve years.
Ji Landong suspected Chief Li had bumped his head.
Ji Landong touched Li Heng’s forehead.
It wasn’t hot or cold, and there were no injuries.
Ji Landong slowly wrote on Li Heng’s hand: Why?
Of course, he wasn’t asking why Li Heng thought that way—Ji Landong hadn’t figured out what there was to apologize for; Li Heng hadn’t taken his matters as a joke and told them to others.
But Li Heng only looked at him, looking and looking, embracing the person into his chest where his heart was thumping.
Because he wanted to place Ji Landong on his heart.
This thought didn’t know when it had emerged. In short, it wasn’t at the beginning, so much so that quite a few colleagues would subtly inquire why Li Heng would just give up his great future: “It surely isn’t just to be with that witness, is it?”
The colleague’s eyes widened: “Do you feel sorry for him? Want to compensate him? Or want to save him?”
“None of the above,” Li Heng replied. “I just suddenly found that I love him.”
These words were too light and too heavy.
Li Heng was a politician who couldn’t be associated with being emotional. He was originally a celibate who didn’t plan to marry and start a family; he didn’t long for love.
But he fell into Ji Landong’s eyes and couldn’t pull himself out. The less someone longs for love, the less likely they are to mistake other emotions for love.
When he sat alone, he couldn’t help but think.
Think repeatedly.
Think repeatedly.
If only he had put down those damn never-ending cases and gone to see a movie once in the past twelve years.
If only they had accidentally brushed shoulders, and he had caught Ji Landong’s script, or Ji Landong had picked up his dropped loose-leaf binder.
If only he had gone back earlier and killed Li Xingyun.
He would have fallen in love with Ji Landong long ago.
No need to wait until now.
He had so many chances; clearly, fate had given him so many opportunities, and he had stupidly missed every single one. He was conceited, contemptuous, a scoundrel, and beyond help. He was the first person to meet Ji Landong, and he had ignored all possible chances.
After falling beyond help in love with someone, one will frantically regret the stupid things done in the past.
Li Heng was no exception to the rule. He couldn’t leave Ji Landong’s eyes: “At that time… I admit.”
“I admit,” he said. “I held you and ran to find a doctor, very anxious, thinking in my heart ‘how can Ji Landong be like this’.”
“I thought in my heart, ‘This thing clearly isn’t your fault, you’ve already done your best, the harm was caused by others, why do you have to be in pain?’”
“I thought you were simply asking for trouble.”
“I thought, it’s just losing someone in life; loss is inevitable to begin with, and everyone has to lose many people in this lifetime.”
Li Heng was silent for a few seconds before finishing: “I thought what could be the big deal about this.”
Ji Landong smiled instead: “I also always scold myself like that.”
This was a secret; he had to ask Chief Li to help keep it. Film Emperor Ji looked very elegant and graceful, but in fact, when he was alone, he would also scold himself.
Li Heng naturally promised to keep the secret, but what he wanted to say was not that: “I understand now.”
A slight surprise appeared in Ji Landong’s eyes.
Li Heng kissed him at this moment.
They kissed.
Li Heng was trembling for some reason. Perhaps he was frightened by Ji Landong’s little joke of hiding in the water just now, and the lingering fear had not dissipated. Ji Landong rested for a while, raised his hand, and stroked Li Heng’s prickly short hair.
Again and again, with a force lighter than Li Heng’s, to avoid Li Heng fainting like himself.
He saw Li Heng’s eyes and was startled.
He saw a very familiar…
Very familiar… feeling.
He didn’t know.
Couldn’t recognize it.
Ji Landong said softly: “Li Heng.”
Ji Landong touched Li Heng’s eyes. Chief Li was openly provocative; the Film Emperor had forgotten how to cry, but Li Heng, the thief-catcher, was shedding tears.
“Alright,” Ji Landong smiled and said gently, “Alright, Li Heng, don’t be like this. I won’t die tonight.”
He promised: “I’ll live until tomorrow.”
This was, of course, a slightly mischievous little joke, but as a villain, he would occasionally make some little jokes.
Ji Landong was scaring Li Heng.
Not only would he live until tomorrow, but he would also try to finish living the day after. If only Li Heng had said earlier that there was such a comfortable hot spring, he would have set aside an extra day just to enjoy it.
Ji Landong tried his best to think, having discussed it with himself, then asked Li Heng: “There’s aurora in February and March, right?”
How about… living until the aurora first?
This was a good goal. By then, Li Heng would produce his beach villa, with some very attractive sand, sunshine, and surfboards; Ji Landong would easily be coaxed over.
The system would definitely love the ocean, love coconuts and colorful coral reefs, and love looking at little fish. Pudding was a large dog that loved water very much and would also go wild with joy.
Wouldn’t that finish the summer in one go?
Ji Landong’s heart softened, and he touched Li Heng’s wet short hair, gently changing his tune: “I’ll live for a long time.”
“A long time,” Ji Landong promised. “Chief Li, don’t cry anymore. You make me feel…”
That gust of wind passed through his chest at this moment.
Ji Landong opened his mouth.
He lost his voice again and couldn’t speak. He pressed his chest somewhat blankly, and then the sound in his ears also disappeared.
Li Heng was a bit overly nervous. This was indeed not Chief Li’s reason. Ji Landong admitted his body was a bit poor. He looked into Li Heng’s eyes and wanted to reach out and touch them. Many trivial images and sounds from his mind were out of control.
…
Beside the man’s corpse, the woman who gave birth to him wailed heart-wrenchingly.
“He hit you a few times, couldn’t you just endure it? Couldn’t you? You could have just obediently gone to the film crew to act your part, why did you have to come home?”
“Why did you kill him?”
“Are you trying to force us mother and son to die?!?”
…
The arrogant white stepfather slowly wiped his hands. The blurry shadow behind him trembled, reaching out with shaking hands to take that expensive runway contract.
“You just haven’t tasted the pleasure yet, little savior.”
“Your younger brother has already tasted it. He exposed you to the doctor, and I rewarded him with the latest model of game console.”
“For framing you, I rewarded him with two game cartridges.”
“He played in his room for nineteen hours—he’s still playing now.”
“What about you? Don’t you want something?”
“Don’t you want to come out of the basement?”
…
In front of Guoguo’s tombstone, he put down the bouquet, little skirt, and bubble gum. He used some means to take revenge on that scum pair of parents and used some means to take revenge on Ji Ran.
The former exploited Chief Li. He hadn’t thrown things into Li Heng’s email for a while.
The latter used the medicine he took himself.
This cannot be imitated; it is illegal.
Medicine is for patients; healthy people will have problems if they take it. Ji Ran was frightened to a breakdown by hallucinations, fleeing in terror from ghosts no one else could see: “I, I didn’t know! How was I supposed to know your parents were bad to you! I wasn’t the one who killed you!”
“Go find Ji Landong! He didn’t truly want to save you at all! If he wanted to save you, would he have just ignored it because I said one sentence? Wasn’t he just afraid of getting into trouble?”
“I was just afraid Ji Landong would ruin you!”
“I had good intentions! Good intentions, good intentions led to a bad outcome! I didn’t know…”
Li Xingyun stopped him firmly, not letting him go up and pick up anything to smash Ji Ran’s head, saying it was illegal.
And.
Li Xingyun hesitated and stammered: “I, I think… Brother, don’t be angry! I’m just saying objectively, I feel… what he said has some truth. Did you also not really want to get involved?”
“Then let’s just turn the page on this,” Li Xingyun advised. “Such a big fuss isn’t good for your reputation.”
…
In the dilapidated house.
The person who dropped the lunch box stood with his back to the light, his face full of disdain and his gaze icy.
“Still remember me?”
“Back then you ‘saved’ me, leaving me no chance to trade shady business for a future. The person died and the debt was cleared; I was clean.”
“Cl-e-a-n-l-y, I ended up in this ghostly state.”
“Ji Landong.”
“Do you think someone should thank you?”
“Do you really think…”
“You saved anyone?”
…
Ji Landong thought he had handled these things properly.
He locked all the hallucinations away, not looking, not listening, and ignoring them. He tried to split off a new self and start over, but when he used the knife, he found he couldn’t scrape anything out.
He actually knew the logic very well—people who give up on themselves don’t deserve to be saved, and there’s no need to listen to what base people say. He went to see a psychologist, and the doctor asked him in confusion: “Mr. Ji, don’t you understand all this very clearly?”
“Then… what else do you actually want?”
Then what else do you want.
Ji Landong.
Amidst the deafeningly noisy sounds, Ji Landong saw Li Heng talking non-stop.
Chief Li was a bit against the rules. Chief Li talked about the outcomes of some people; these outcomes inevitably involved the secret hand of the head of the investigation bureau.
Otherwise, how could a perfectly fine person go mad just like that, how could the Li family fall just like that, how could suspect A, holding a knife, take advantage of a prison transfer to break into the Special Service Bureau’s transport vehicle and assassinate prisoner B, and how could prisoner B, who couldn’t even kill a chicken, take the knife and kill in self-defense… a bunch of messy dog-blood news where only code names could be released.
Ji Landong watched it as gossip for a while. He still wanted to touch Li Heng’s eyes. He hadn’t truly thought about how he and Li Heng had unknowingly ended up kissing each other.
Ji Landong wasn’t entirely uninterested in the system’s elopement plan.
Staying was for the fifteen-year-old Ji Landong.
The fifteen-year-old Ji Landong, on every birthday, would indulge himself in thinking for a little while.
If he had called out.
If he had called out “Li Heng.”
Or “Chief Li.”
Li Heng wasn’t a chief then, of course, but everyone likes to be called that, right? A sweet mouth is never wrong… or say something else? Like “thank you,” or “is the Special Service Bureau hard to get into?”
Like “take me away.”
Li Heng tightly gripped Ji Landong’s hand and pressed it to his face. With Chief Li’s help, Ji Landong finally managed to do one thing as he wished.
Ji Landong touched Li Heng’s eyes.
He had never seen this kind of eyes. Someone was in pain, furious, and unwilling for his sake. Someone tightly gripped the poisonous grass growing in his body, desperately stuffing it into their own chest without a second thought.
Someone was shedding tears for him. Mr. Ji couldn’t bear to see this. Mr. Ji understood everything, and Mr. Ji wanted nothing.
The fifteen-year-old Ji Landong hadn’t seen the aurora or the sea.
Is this reason enough to live until summer?
Ji Landong said: “Li Heng.”
He couldn’t make a sound; it seemed he just made a mouth shape, but Li Heng obviously heard it.
Ji Landong still couldn’t make a sound, but he was stubborn, stubbornly repeating it again and again.
Take me away.
Li Heng.
Try again.
Take me to summer.