Chapter 4#
Offerings to the Homophobic Straight Man: Crematorium 4#
Time flowed slowly amidst the rhythmic ticking of the medical instruments.
Outside the window, the darkness of night gradually faded, and a layer of fish-belly white appeared on the horizon.
Hazy light slipped through the gaps in the blinds, silently entering the hospital room.
Qiao Qing’s consciousness struggled to surface from a heavy mist.
The first thing he felt was a pervasive dull pain, especially in his arm and temple, followed by a dry, burning sensation in his throat.
He forced his eyelids open. His vision was initially a blurry white, then slowly focused, revealing a strange ceiling and the IV bottles hanging nearby.
He wasn’t dead?
This realization left him somewhat dazed.
His last memory was of the blinding headlights, the massive impact, and the light feeling of weightlessness as his body was thrown into the air.
He had thought he was certainly going to die.
“Cough… cough…”
He tried to speak, but it triggered a low, raspy cough.
This slight movement immediately startled the person who was lightly sleeping by the bedside.
Lin Jinbai woke up almost the instant Qiao Qing’s eyelashes flickered.
He sat up straight abruptly. Having maintained one position for too long, a wave of soreness hit his neck and back.
But he ignored it completely, all his attention focused on the pair of eyes slowly opening on the hospital bed.
“Qiao Qing!”
His voice was hoarse from staying up all night, and he subconsciously gripped Qiao Qing’s hand.
“You’re awake? How do you feel? Is there anywhere that feels particularly uncomfortable? I’ll call the doctor…”
As he spoke, he reached out to press the call button.
“…Water.” Qiao Qing’s voice was weak and dry, barely more than a breath.
Lin Jinbai reacted immediately, quickly letting go of his hand and turning to pour some warm water.
His movements were somewhat frantic; he almost knocked over the kettle.
He moistened a cotton swab and carefully dabbed Qiao Qing’s cracked lips.
Then he carefully handed him a straw and supported the back of his neck so he could take small sips.
The lukewarm liquid slid down his throat, temporarily relieving the burning pain.
Qiao Qing lowered his eyelashes, quietly drinking the water. He didn’t look at Lin Jinbai, nor did he respond to his previous tension and concern.
After he finished drinking, Lin Jinbai gently lowered him back onto the pillow. Looking at his still pale face, Lin Jinbai felt a mix of emotions.
He had countless things to say—apologies, regrets, worries… but for a moment, he didn’t know where to start.
He opened his mouth and finally squeezed out a dry sentence: “You… you scared me to death.”
Only then did Qiao Qing slowly lift his eyelids to look at him.
That gaze was very calm, calm to the point of being nearly hollow.
It lacked the focus and warmth of how he used to look at him, as well as the pain and despair from their argument the night before.
It was as if he were looking at a… stranger, or a casual acquaintance.
“Oh.”
Qiao Qing responded, his voice still lacking strength but carrying a deliberate sense of distance. “Thank you for coming to the hospital.”
Having experienced life and death once, he no longer wanted to be entangled with Lin Jinbai.
He was tired, exhausted.
Lin Jinbai’s heart sank abruptly. This polite and distant “thank you” hurt more than any accusation.
“I…” Lin Jinbai wanted to say, “How could I not come?” but the words died in his throat.
In what capacity could he say that?
Looking at Qiao Qing’s calm, emotionless face, an inexplicable panic quietly spread in his heart.
It was as if something had slipped from his grasp, and he could no longer hold on.
Qiao Qing averted his gaze, his eyes falling on his arm in a cast. After a few seconds of silence, he spoke again.
“You’ve just taken over the group; your work must be very busy. There’s no need to waste time here taking care of me.”
Lin Jinbai froze.
Qiao Qing continued, his voice soft but carrying an unquestionable resolution: “Go and attend to your business. I’ll be fine on my own. I’ll hire a caregiver later; I won’t trouble you anymore.”
“It’s no trouble!” Lin Jinbai blurted out, his tone carrying a trace of undetectable urgency.
“I… I can arrange things at the company. A few days won’t make a difference. You are like this because…”
He wanted to say, “You were in a car accident because of me,” but the words were too heavy and got stuck in his throat.
Qiao Qing, however, seemed to know what he was going to say. He gently shook his head and interrupted him: “It’s not your fault; it was an accident.”
He paused and closed his eyes again, a clear expression of fatigue on his face. “I’m a bit tired and want to sleep for a while. You… go do your work.”
Having said that, he no longer looked at Lin Jinbai, as if he were truly just tired and needed rest.
Lin Jinbai stood frozen in place, watching Qiao Qing close his eyes in a posture that refused communication. All the words he wanted to say were blocked.
The ward fell silent again, except for the tireless beeping of the instruments.
Panic wrapped around his heart like vines, tightening further and further.
He couldn’t just leave like this. He had to say something, do something.
He took a deep breath and spoke with a dry voice:
“Qiao Qing…” He paused, struggling to organize his words.
“Yesterday… yesterday I said… that being gay is disgusting… I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it; I was just too angry for a moment… I spoke without thinking.”
He thought this would be a breakthrough.
In his past understanding, Qiao Qing rarely stayed truly angry with him.
Even if they had an occasional spat, as long as he lowered his posture slightly, Qiao Qing would always be the first to compromise and return to his side with a warm smile.
He thought this time would be the same.
However, Qiao Qing slowly opened his eyes.
He didn’t respond immediately but looked at Lin Jinbai quietly.
Those eyes, which used to always watch him tenderly, now held only fatigue and a kind of calm that was almost like pity.
He paused for a few seconds, as if evaluating Lin Jinbai’s apology or making an important decision.
Finally, he let out a barely audible sigh. The sigh was as light as a feather, yet it hit Lin Jinbai’s heart heavily.
“Lin Jinbai,” Qiao Qing called him by his full name, his voice soft but exceptionally clear.
“After I’m discharged from the hospital, I will move my things out of the house.”
The sentence exploded like a thunderclap.
Lin Jinbai looked up abruptly, his face filled with disbelief and caught-off-guard panic: “Why?!”
His voice rose subconsciously, carrying a questioning tone. “We… aren’t we…”
He desperately wanted to grab onto something, but what he blurted out were words he might not even truly believe himself. “Wasn’t it fine the way we were before? Why do you have to…”
“I don’t think it was fine.”
Qiao Qing interrupted him, his voice still not loud, but carrying a decisive strength.
He looked at the obvious confusion and resistance in Lin Jinbai’s eyes, looking at the person he had secretly loved for over a decade. It felt as if something had been violently carved out of his heart.
But he persisted in speaking, using all his strength for every word:
“Lin Jinbai, listen clearly. I am gay.”
He looked directly into Lin Jinbai’s eyes, not shying away at all.
“And I’m a gay man who likes you. Do you still want us to live together as before, in such an ambiguous way?”
He paused, a bitter smile appearing on his pale face. His voice carried a plea, but also a sense of finality:
“Don’t be so cruel to me. From now on, let’s keep our distance and see each other less.”
Lin Jinbai was completely stunned, his mouth open, but unable to make a sound.
Keep distance? Move out?
He had never imagined that Qiao Qing would actually leave, that he would proactively propose cutting off their more than ten years of inseparable connection.