Chapter 32#
“Prove that you’re not driven by desire, but drawn to me.”#
By the time Mo Shu rushed frantically to fetch Physician Cai Shu, Rong Yu had already fallen asleep—though not peacefully. His brows were furrowed, his eyelids twitching constantly, caught in some unknown dream.
Not daring to wake Rong Yu again now that he’d finally stabilized, Cai Shu merely took his pulse and observed him briefly.
“Third Young Master Rong’s body is not seriously harmed. It’s simply that sudden rage assailed his heart, causing qi and blood to stagnate and his spirit to lose nourishment. I’ll prescribe a few calming formulas—administer one dose daily.”
When Mo Shu heard this, he let out a long breath of relief. Clutching the prescription like a lifeline, he hurried off toward the kitchen.
Only Chu Tan remained. He immediately asked in a grave tone, “What’s really wrong with him?”
Cai Shu was silent for a moment, then said, “This subordinate has only observed his complexion and felt his pulse so far. What I concluded is rather limited—just what I said earlier. However, the medicines I prescribed will likely be useless.”
“Useless?” Chu Tan’s brows darkened.
“Those medicines can at most regulate the qi and calm the spirit. But Third Young Master Rong’s illness is not in the body.” Cai Shu pointed at his chest. “It is stagnation knotted in the heart.”
Cai Shu continued, “Several years ago, when I was traveling with my master to practice medicine, I encountered a woman. Her newlywed husband had died, and unable to bear the blow, she stopped eating and drinking, couldn’t sleep at night—her eyes hollow like a walking corpse. Her parents invited my master and me to examine her, and we found her bound hand and foot to the bed. Her parents said that if they didn’t do so, their daughter would find any opportunity to harm or kill herself—she was like a madwoman, impossible to restrain.
“From what the Young Crown Prince has described of Third Young Master Rong’s symptoms, there are similarities with that woman, but also differences. Let me return and search through the notes my master left behind, then seek a method of treatment.”
Chu Tan fell into thought.
When Cai Shu had shouldered his medicine box and was about to leave, Chu Tan called him back.
“That woman you mentioned… was she eventually cured?”
“No. Her parents failed to watch over her. She hanged herself.”
—
When Rong Yu woke, he heard Mo Shu and Aunt Qin speaking in low voices in the outer room.
“…You should have seen how arrogant that Young General Gu was. Even when the Crown Prince ordered him to apologize, he dared to brush it off perfunctorily.”
Aunt Qin said, “His Royal Highness the Crown Prince is gentle, virtuous, and of excellent character—known to all the world. It’s just that he treats his subordinates too leniently and kindly, which is why that Young General Gu respects him but does not fear him.”
Mo Shu had only meant to complain about Gu Yuezhe, but Aunt Qin had dragged the Crown Prince into it as well. Alarmed, he said, “Mother, don’t say any more! If people hear us discussing the Crown Prince, we’ll lose our heads!”
“Your mother’s already got one foot in the grave—what do I care about losing my head? Enough, enough. Let me go see if the medicine is done brewing. You keep an eye on the young master.”
Rong Yu stared at the canopy above his head, thinking: respect without fear, his foot. It was simply that Gu Yuezhe was already the Crown Prince’s man. Without the Crown Prince’s implicit approval, he would never have dared to act so boldly.
And the Crown Prince was not the warm, kind person Aunt Qin described. He was a thoroughgoing smile-masked tiger; the methods hidden behind that mask were chilling enough to make anyone’s blood run cold.
“Young master, you’re awake.” Mo Shu sounded delighted, yet also a little hesitant. “Are you hungry? The small kitchen has food kept warm—there’s the braised duck gizzards and braised lotus root you love, and milk tea too. Let me bring some for you.”
“No need. I’m not hungry.”
“How could you not be hungry? You’ve slept the whole afternoon—aside from breakfast, you haven’t eaten all day.” Mo Shu looked worried. “If you don’t have an appetite, at least have some plain congee to warm your stomach.”
Rong Yu turned over, facing away from Mo Shu, and said in a very quiet voice, “Don’t talk. I’m very tired.”
All the strength in his body seemed to have been drained away, leaving only a withered husk. Even his thoughts were sluggish, as if the axle of a machine had rusted—every turn was laborious and slow.
He didn’t want to speak. Didn’t want to eat. Didn’t want to move. He didn’t even want to breathe.
The voice behind him fell silent, but after a while, footsteps came again.
Rong Yu kept his eyes open but acted as if he hadn’t heard, treating the person behind him like air.
After a long moment, the person let out a deep sigh. “Won’t you even look at me, young master? My wound has split open again.”
It was Chu Tan’s voice.
Rong Yu said nothing, but thought coldly: what’s that got to do with me.
As if he could hear Rong Yu’s thoughts, Chu Tan said, “I never expected the young master to have such strength. One arm of mine couldn’t hold you down—I had to use this injured one as well.”
Rong Yu thought: oh.
It wasn’t that he didn’t remember what he was like during his episodes. He just didn’t want to recall it.
That version of himself must have been hideous—like a madman.
Rong Yu suddenly felt ashamed. He pressed his lips together.
Seeing that Rong Yu still wouldn’t speak, Chu Tan said plaintively, “The young master is so heartless. We’ve weathered hardship together, after all—last night in the mountain cave we were so intimately close. How can you not even spare a thought for an arm that was wounded twice saving you?”
The words “mountain cave” struck Rong Yu’s raw nerves like a hammer. His eyes flew wide open, and the memories he’d deliberately avoided came flooding back in an instant.
In that dim, cold cave, he and Chu Tan had embraced naked, bodies intertwined…
Scene after obscene scene flashed through his mind—hot, heavy breathing seeming to echo right by his ear.
Red gradually crept up Rong Yu’s cheeks. It was anger.
Angry at Chu Tan, and angry at himself. He didn’t know how he could have done such a thing—so wanton, so hungry, actively seeking pleasure from the Chu Tan he despised, and thoroughly enjoying it.
It was as if something had possessed him. He’d been out of his mind.
“The young master is truly cold. This morning in the bathhouse you were still so tender. How can your heart change so quickly?”
Still talking, still talking—enough!
Anger surged up from the depths of his heart, rushing straight to his head. Furious, Rong Yu sat straight up and pointed at Chu Tan’s nose, cursing, “Shut your dog mouth! Say one more word and I’ll tear your lips off!”
The index finger that had been bitten through was still wrapped in a circle of gauze.
Chu Tan raised an eyebrow, perfectly calm. He’d known the young master would flip the table and deny everything.
“You did it, so you won’t take responsibility?”
“Me, take responsibility?” Rong Yu stared at Chu Tan’s shameless face in disbelief. “You’re a grown man—what do you want me to take responsibility for? Are you sick?”
“It was my first time.” Chu Tan’s expression was utterly serious, his eyes full of grievance—like a wronged maiden coming to demand justice from a scumbag.
“Who the fuck wasn’t on their first time either?!” Rong Yu was about to lose it completely. And besides, he was the one who’d been pinned underneath—shouldn’t he be the one panicking?
“Oh.” A trace of amusement flickered through Chu Tan’s eyes. “Then I’ll take responsibility for you.”
Rong Yu sighed deeply and rubbed his brow in irritation, thinking: why am I, a perfectly sane person, debating with a dog? What a waste of effort.
“Get out.” Rong Yu was terse.
“No.” Chu Tan was equally terse, and sat himself down on the daybed at the foot of Rong Yu’s bed, like a great big mangy dog.
“Are you determined to cling to me? I don’t want to talk, I don’t want to eat, I don’t want to see you!” Rong Yu was on the verge of breaking down, his eyes red as he spat viciously, “Aren’t you afraid I’ll lose my mind again like I did at noon? I can’t guarantee what I’ll do—maybe next time I’ll bite you.”
Hearing this, Chu Tan stood up and took a step back.
Rong Yu let out a derisive snort. A hint of bitterness spread across his tongue. He lowered his eyes and said listlessly, “Get lost.”
“Bite wherever you like, young master—that would be this servant’s honor.” Chu Tan struggled one-handed to strip off his clothes, revealing an upper body that wasn’t bulky but was solidly built, the right shoulder still wrapped in white bandages.
He’d endured how many lashes from a whip—was he really afraid of a bite from the young master? He’d strip bare and let him bite anywhere.
What he feared far more was Rong Yu bottling everything up inside, refusing to let it out. As Cai Shu had said—stagnation knotted in the heart. If that happened, then he truly would be helpless.
Rong Yu stared at the scene, dumbfounded, momentarily at a loss for words. The negative emotions swirling in his chest hadn’t even had time to disperse before they were replaced by sheer speechlessness.
“You look…” Rong Yu started, his face full of disdain, then trailed off. He really wanted to know how a man with a face thicker than the city walls could ever become the revered, majestic Son of Heaven in the future.
Chu Tan touched his face and asked with mock seriousness, “What about how I look? Last night the young master praised me for being handsome.”
“You’re full of shit!” Rong Yu shot back immediately.
Chu Tan thought hard, then nodded with great gravity. “The young master also touched me and said you liked my face. Though you were indeed rather carried away at the time, so it’s only natural you don’t remember.”
“Impossible!”
Chu Tan was about to say more when a pillow came flying at him. “Shut up!”
Rong Yu was like an angry cat with its fur standing on end. A moment ago he’d been listless as death itself, but now flames seemed to lick around him, his peach-blossom eyes round with fury.
Chu Tan met his gaze in silence.
A moment later, Rong Yu suddenly let all his strength drain away. Hanging his head, he said softly, “What happened last night was a moment of impulse on my part. Forget it—pretend it never happened.”
That was a textbook scumbag speech.
With each word Rong Yu spoke, Chu Tan’s face darkened a shade. By the time the sentence was finished, Chu Tan’s expression had nearly frozen into ice crystals.
“I knew the young master was fickle, but I didn’t think you could be so cold-blooded.”
Rong Yu: “…” He actually felt a pang of conscience being interrogated.
He tried to explain. “I wasn’t in my right mind then. In that state, my actions were beyond my control. Do you understand?”
Instead of answering, Chu Tan asked, “Is the young master in his right mind now?”
Rong Yu took a deep breath, doing his best to keep his voice calm. “I’m perfectly rational right now.”
“Then let’s do it again.”
Rong Yu: “???!!”
Bare-chested, Chu Tan leaned toward Rong Yu. Rong Yu hastily braced his hands against him, frowning. “Are you insane?”
“Since you say yesterday was irrational, let’s do it while we’re both rational.” Chu Tan said it with complete confidence.
“No—wait, is it you who’s sick or me?” Rong Yu said irritably. “I’ve already made myself clear. I slept with you because I wasn’t thinking straight yesterday. I’m clear-headed now, and I don’t want to sleep with you. I don’t even want to think about yesterday!”
Whenever he remembered how desire had driven him the previous night, he felt as if he were sinking into a deep ocean, unable to breathe.
He let out a long sigh and covered his eyes with both hands, as if that could hide his inner shame.
His voice was slightly choked, self-reproachful and regretful. “I was so disgraceful in that state. Why did I become like that? Why can I never control myself?”
“Why do you need to control it? Like you said once—face your desires directly. If you have sexual desire, why can’t you have sex? If it feels good, why can’t you cry out loud? If you think you’re disgraceful, then what am I, who was utterly captivated by you?”
Chu Tan tilted Rong Yu’s chin up and gazed at him quietly. In a low voice he said, “I only think you’re frank and adorable, and I wish I could give you everything.”
Rong Yu looked into those long, narrow eyes and felt they were like a pair of deep whirlpools—he’d nearly fallen in.
He turned his face away, deliberately ignoring those words, and said softly, “You don’t understand.”
Chu Tan said, “If you won’t tell me, then at least give me a chance to prove it.”
“Prove what?”
“Prove that you’re not driven by desire, but drawn to me.”
[Author’s note:]
Today’s chapter is very short. I originally planned to write more, but I found I couldn’t. I’ve been sitting at my computer since eight in the morning—I revised these three thousand words over and over. Even this version I’m still not satisfied with, but I don’t know how to fix it anymore. I’m too terrible, hahaha.
I can’t guarantee an update tomorrow either. We’ll see how it goes.
I hope everyone doesn’t stay up late—go to sleep early, and sleep well.