Chapter 40#

Qi Xu, I love you very much.#

Si Jingheng repeatedly stroked the handwriting on the card with his fingertips. His throat felt as if blocked by a ball of waterlogged cotton, aching with a dull pain. He sniffed, his nose stinging sharply. Through his blurry vision, he reached into the small wooden cabinet once again.

His fingertips touched a piece of cold, hard metal. He subconsciously tightened his fingers and gently pulled the object out.

It was a watch.

Si Jingheng’s breath hitched, his pupils contracting slightly.

Trembling, Si Jingheng picked up the card beside the box. The handwriting on it carried a trace of joy:

“Jingheng is always so busy, and every birthday has to be made up for later. But he probably doesn’t know yet that wearing a metal strap makes my wrist hurt in the winter. Still, I guess he must have bought it in advance and just forgot to give it to me—he must have wanted me to wear it in the summer! So happy!”

At the end, there was also a crookedly drawn smiley face emoji.

Si Jingheng could almost see what Qi Xu looked like when he wrote these words—he must have been smiling, with infinite tolerance and love for him.

“Fool…” Si Jingheng murmured in a low voice, so raspy it was barely audible. He could no longer hold back the hot moisture in his eyes, and tears slid down his cheeks.

How could he have been so dense?

Qi Xu was so clingy, so fond of sharing every little thing with him, yet he hid this discomfort alone, solely out of fear that he would find it troublesome, or grow impatient. Si Jingheng squeezed the watch tightly, the metal clasp digging into his palm and causing a sharp ache, but this pain was not even a ten-thousandth of what Qi Xu had felt.

He remembered. He did remember.

Qi Xu’s wrist had been injured after an accidental fall during a basketball activity at school. Ever since, the bone hadn’t recovered very well, which was why Qi Xu never touched sports-related activities again.

Yet, Qi Xu liked beautiful muscle lines, so he would browse through quick-abs workout videos every day.

Little fool.

Gently placing the watch on the desk, Si Jingheng took a deep breath and reached into the cabinet once more.

This time, his hand brushed against a small tin box with a cold touch and a vintage pattern. He took out the tin box and opened the lid. Inside were colorful candies, their wrappers printed with outdated cartoon patterns that looked like styles from many years ago. Some of the wrappers had turned slightly yellow, yet they were still folded neatly.

Si Jingheng’s heart skipped a beat.

Inside the tin box, there was also a card, its handwriting more blurred than the previous ones, likely written even earlier. It read: “I wonder if Jingheng still remembers the candy I gave him when we first met, commemorating our first meeting.”

Si Jingheng’s fingertips curled slightly as he happened to see another line of words on the back of the card: “As expected, he didn’t remember. He even said I was childish and boring. Oh well, I’ll eat it myself. It really is very sour, just like our relationship.”

“Just like our relationship…” Si Jingheng chewed over these words repeatedly.

Unable to bear it any longer, Si Jingheng dumped out everything inside the cabinet in a fit of self-abandonment.

The small items scattered across the carpet, each one filling him with pain and despair.

A silver brooch. The card read: “To celebrate Jingheng securing his first cooperative project! I also participated, you know. I hope Jingheng’s wishes all come true.”

A pair of diamond cufflinks. The card read: “These are diamonds I cut by hand. I chose the most beautiful blue diamonds because Jingheng likes blue the best. But Jingheng didn’t notice that I got hurt, which makes me a bit sad.”

A crumpled tie. The card read: “Jingheng said the things I gifted weren’t as nice as his female companions’. He said it’s disgusting when a guy gifts the same things. But… I really spent a long time choosing it.”

There were far too many of these items, so many that they almost drowned his heart.

Underneath every single item was a small card pressed flat. Every single stroke reflected Qi Xu’s earnestness and love.

Kneeling on the carpet, Si Jingheng looked at the gifts and cards scattered all over the floor, his body trembling uncontrollably. He reached out, wanting to pick up those cards, but his fingertips shook so violently that he failed to touch them several times.

Over the years, he had been like a blind man with his eyes wide open, surrounded by Qi Xu’s unreserved love, yet never truly seeing it. In the past, he always felt Qi Xu was clingy, willful, and spoiled, but he forgot that all of Qi Xu’s willfulness and clinginess were only because he loved him too much.

But what on earth had he done?

Si Jingheng covered his face, his shoulders heaving violently as suppressed sobs leaked through the gaps of his fingers.

He had treated Qi Xu’s most precious feelings as trash; he had treated Qi Xu’s unreserved love as a burden; he had hurt that youth, whose eyes and heart were filled only with him, until he was bruised and battered all over, forcing him to flee.

“I’m sorry… Qi Xu… I’m sorry…” He tried to pull these things into his embrace, as if holding Qi Xu himself, but no matter what he did, he could only grasp thin air. Si Jingheng murmured over and over again, his voice hoarse, tears pouring from between his fingers and soaking the carpet.

Si Jingheng wiped away his tears in a mess, wanting to look at those things again, when among the scattered items, he spotted a small velvet box.

Si Jingheng’s heart constricted violently. He quickly reached out and picked up the box.

Trembling, he opened the box. Inside was a pair of couple’s rings. The style was classic and simple, without any redundant decorations. Engraved on the inner band of the rings were two small letters, “Q” and “S”—the initials of Qi Xu and his name.

The card inside the box had slightly blurred handwriting, as if it had been soaked by rain and then carefully dried.

It read: “Today, I customized a pair of rings. Actually, I just want to be with Jingheng… even if only as a couple for one night. Could he wear it for just one night, to give me a chance to fantasize? If one day he doesn’t want me anymore, I… I will take it away.”

“Even if only for one night…” Si Jingheng muttered these words, his tears bursting through the floodgates once again.

At night, it was pattering with rain outside.

Qi Xu waited until the latter half of the night before receiving a call from Si Jingheng, telling Qi Xu to come and pick him up.

Holding an umbrella, Qi Xu waited at the entrance of the bar for a long time before Si Jingheng finally came out. After much effort, he managed to support the man into the car. Si Jingheng, his eyes half-closed, pulled Qi Xu into his lap and bit his neck.

“Jingheng…” Qi Xu’s breathing was ragged. Then, as if having made up his mind, he pulled a small box out of the car’s storage compartment. “A-A gift for you.”

“Hmm?” Si Jingheng didn’t quite like being interrupted. He asked, “What is it?”

Biting his lip, Qi Xu blushed and said, “Rings.”

Si Jingheng chuckled, taking the box to toy with it. Qi Xu thought he was going to open it, but instead, while Qi Xu wasn’t paying attention, Si Jingheng threw the box far out of the car.

Qi Xu couldn’t even hear the sound of the box hitting the ground.

“Don’t be disgusting,” Si Jingheng said.

That night, Qi Xu got out of the car and searched all night long in the rainy night, walking along that road for who knew how long.

Si Jingheng wished he could strangle his past self to death.

How could he have said those words? How could he have been so cruel?

Si Jingheng picked up one of the rings; it was his size. He wanted to slide the ring onto his finger, but his body was shaking so badly that he failed after several attempts. Letting out a sigh, he propped himself against the desk and slowly stood up, but because he had knelt for too long, his legs were numb, causing him to almost fall. Holding onto the edge of the desk, Si Jingheng took a deep breath and picked up the ring again. This time, holding his breath, he finally slid the ring smoothly onto his ring finger.

The metal touch of the ring was icy, yet it felt like a branding iron, burning his chest with pain. He looked down at the ring, suddenly realizing that Qi Xu had never wanted much. He only wanted a tiny bit of response, a tiny bit of tenderness; even if it was just brief companionship, he would be filled with joy.

Yet, he had failed to fulfill even this tiny request.

Now, he didn’t know where Qi Xu had gone, didn’t know if he was doing well, didn’t know if he ate his meals on time, or if he was suffering grievances. The mere thought of Qi Xu being alone in an unfamiliar place, licking his wounds in solitude, made his heart ache so much he couldn’t breathe.

Si Jingheng lay on the floor, cradling all the items in his arms, his consciousness gradually slipping.

If Qi Xu were still here, he would come in at this moment, gently pat him, and coax him like a child: “Jingheng, the floor is cold. Shall we go sleep in bed?”

“Jingheng? Stop throwing a childish tantrum. Be good.”

“If you’re good, how about I make you your favorite sweet and sour pork ribs with plums tomorrow?”

“Okay, Qi Xu, I’ll listen to you, I’ll listen to you on everything. Please, please come back, okay?”

At the psychological clinic which was originally closed for the holiday today, an uninvited guest suddenly appeared.

The early morning wind carried a chill. As soon as Chen Ruiwen opened the door, a man wearing a black overcoat was standing right there at the entrance.

“We are closed today,” Chen Ruiwen said.

Si Jingheng moved his stiff body, his pale lips twitching slightly as he pleaded, “Dr. Chen, I only want to ask one question.”

Chen Ruiwen raised an eyebrow. “What is it?”

Si Jingheng’s Adam’s apple bobbed up and down, but he couldn’t make a sound for a long time. Just when Chen Ruiwen thought he was playing a joke on him, Si Jingheng squeezed a sentence out of his throat: “Did Qi Xu… ever mention who that person was?”

Chen Ruiwen hadn’t expected Si Jingheng to ask such a question. He had thought this man would never self-reflect in his entire life.

“He did,” Chen Ruiwen answered honestly. “When I was giving him psychotherapy, he mentioned it under hypnosis.”

“What else did he say?” Si Jingheng took a step forward, his hands clenching tightly into fists.

“I asked him what would happen if his lover found out one day,” Chen Ruiwen said calmly. “He said, ‘He won’t.’”

“What?”

Back then, when Chen Ruiwen asked that, Qi Xu smiled self-deprecatingly: “If such a day comes, just tell him, Dr. Chen. Do you think he might love me a little bit more out of pity?”

What a pitiful child. Even at a time like that, all he thought about was whether the other person would love him.

“So, on the day I came, you recognized me, didn’t you?” Si Jingheng asked.

“Yes,” Chen Ruiwen told him truthfully. “Actually, when I was giving him detachment therapy before, I used your photos. I just didn’t expect that we would meet one day.”

“I understand.” Si Jingheng closed his eyes and added, “Thank you.”

When he left, Si Jingheng opened his wallet. Inside was the group photo he had torn up, which Qi Xu had pieced back together. Now, he kept it in the safest place.

Only now did he finally confirm Qi Xu’s love, and also realize his own.

Previously, he had been too absurdly wrong, going so far as to say men were disgusting.

Qi Xu wasn’t disgusting at all. What Qi Xu gave him was the purest love in the world, and he had never actually hated Qi Xu. Everything was merely him hiding his own cowardice and stupidity.

“Qi Xu, I love you very much.”

I will find you, right?